Ho Ho Herald: The Herald’s 2018 Christmas Gifts

Herald Editorial Board

The holiday season is here, folks. This time of year always reminds us just how important it is to give back to those who have helped us, those who need help and even those who have done us dirty. Each year, we allot a number of presents to the people we think deserve it most. From our family at the College Heights Herald to yours, happy holidays. 

DISCLAIMER: These gifts are as fake as President Trump’s tan. But it’s the thought that counts, right?

To President Timothy Caboni, we give a care package. Inside the care package is a calculator to help you manage all of this debt, a copy of The Grinch (there are some lessons we think you could learn from it) and a new closet full of bow ties for the new year. 

To all the students who were forced to move from Minton Hall, we give a gift card to your local clinic. Breathing in mold for four months probably did a number on your immune system.

To the students in other residence halls still living in mold-infested rooms, we give you dehumidifiers. You’re required to continue living there, so make the best of it.

To former football head coach Mike Sanford, a shiny blue participation ribbon is given for your efforts over the past couple of seasons. We thought this might pair nicely with that $1.2 million check. 

To Cage the Elephant, have a red towel. Matt Shultz pulls out all the stops when he performs, but that means he spends a lot of time sweating profusely. There’s nothing like WKU’s iconic red towel to remind you of your roots and keep you (and all those people holding you while you crowd surf) dry. 

To the softball team, we give the gift of gender equality in the form of golf carts. It’s a popular purchase here at WKU, and we thought you could use them to get from your locker rooms to the field. Just make sure the baseball team isn’t using the hitting facilities before you head over.

To Rep. Patti Minter, under your tree you will find two gifts. First, we give you Thor’s hammer to help you break that glass ceiling. Second, you’ll see a power pantsuit and comfy heels—you have big shoes to fill now that Jody Richards is gone, but we’re sure you’ll do it and make it look better, too.

To Parking and Transportation, a long long long long long long long vacation. We’re sure you’re tired of riding around on your golf cart issuing citations, and we are definitely tired of receiving them. You deserve a break from all this nonsense, and so do we.

To Sen. Mitch McConnell, a check in your name issued to the university to help fund scholarships for students. If your policy isn’t going to make the cost of college any easier for us, maybe your pocketbook will do the trick. 

To Housing and Residence Life maintenance staff, we give a SurePlunge toilet plunger. We spent some time reading through those maintenance requests to break that mold story. If there’s one thing we learned, it’s that a durable plunger is a necessary investment. On behalf of all students, we’re so sorry. 

To the basketball team, we offer a get out of jail free card.

To the bat flying around the newsroom, we offer a free month’s rent. We kind of miss you and feel bad for evicting you so soon.

To Sherry and Tracy, we give our love. We’d give you more, but we can’t afford it. 

Thank you.