Halloween horoscopes: Spook up your life with help from the stars

Taylor Huff

Back by unpopular demand, the stars are back with some predictions to help spook up your lifestyle. So carve up those pumpkins and pay your child support because it’s time for some spooky horoscopes.

**DISCLAIMER: The award-winning College Heights Herald is not legally responsible for any misfortune that may befall you for adhering to these horoscopes. Did I mention that we won a Pacemaker?**

Aquarius – It’s no secret that you have a deep, internalized fear of rejection, Aquarius. So, you should not attend any of your classes this week. Don’t want your professors to think you’re desperate.

Pisces – You’re one of those people that says “Autumn” instead of “Fall.” I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that, but at the same time I hate everything you choose to be.

Aries – You bring a whole new meaning to “cuffing season.” Have fun in jail tonight, Aries.

Taurus – According to the stars, you will turn off all the lights in your house and whisper the word “spoopy” three times while looking in the mirror. At this point, the ghost of a libertarian will appear and list all of the reasons why Gary Johnson could still win the 2016 election.

Gemini – Don’t listen to the helpful advice from the haters. Prove your toughness and overall lack of concern for your health by continuing to wear shorts in 30 degree weather. It’ll be worth it in the long run.

Cancer – President Caboni? More like President Bad-to-the-Boni. *cue Seinfeld bass riff in the background* Stay in school, Cancer.

Leo – Our Aramark overlords have decreed that calories no longer exist. Eat your heart out Leo.

Virgo – The stars tell me you haven’t been to class since week two. I know those 12 credit hours are a real burden on you but maybe stop going out every night??

Libra – Number of Pacemakers won by “Stranger Things”: 0

Number of Pacemakers won by the College Heights Herald this year: 1

It sounds like you better cancel your Netflix subscription and pick up another newspaper.

Scorpio – The stars are telling me you need to give back to the arts community this week, Scorpio. Take a dance class, attend a local play, subscribe to my SoundCloud. The stars are never wrong.

Sagittarius – If you find yourself at a party and are looking for love, some advice I can give you is to be as loud as humanly possible. Pant like a wild baboon if you have to. How is your true love ever going to notice you if they can’t hear you?

Capricorn – It seems you have an unhealthy obsession with Krampus, the half-goat/half-demon figure based on Austro-Bavarian folklore. Maybe find a normal hobby like jogging or competitive knitting.