HOROSCOPES: Consult the stars to help you cast your ballot

Andrew Henderson

We’re now in the home stretch of the 2016 election. That is a sentence I have been waiting to say since the early onset of 2015.

To the American people, we are almost there. Let’s not take this moment for granted because it has been one heck of an election cycle. 12 Republican primary debates, nine Democratic primary debates, one vice presidential debate and three presidential debates. We the people have been dragged through it all.

After all is said and done, we’re left with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Oh, and a man who really likes mountains (Gary Johnson) and another woman who possibly runs her own Etsy shop for organic soaps (Jill Stein).

I understand, you don’t like Clinton or Trump, well join the other 47 percent of registered voters who have a “strongly unfavorable” view of both of them. Either way you still have to vote for someone. And, yes, you can vote third party if you want to; if it means you can remain morally pure and not vote for the lesser of two evils or something, so long as you actually know what you’re voting for. Being edgy and voting just to stick it to the man ceases to be edgy if you’re uninformed.

But if you’re out there reading this and still don’t know who to vote for, I’ve consulted the stars to help you cast your ballot this Nov. 8.

Aries –– Voter fraud is astronomically low, like less than one percent. Voter disenfranchisement is much more real. The stars have no actual advice for you, Aries. They just really wanted to stress that.

Cancer –– Bernie Sanders is not going to be the Democratic nominee and Mike Pence won’t be the Republican nominee. If you do write-in vote for someone, know that nine states won’t accept them and a write-in has never become U.S. president. Do what you want, Cancer, but at least think it through.

Libra –– Libra, the stars are screaming at you to actually vote. If you need a ride to the polls there’s a Ride to Vote campaign here at WKU and Kentuckians for the Commonwealth is also getting people in Bowling Green to polling locations. Your excuses are running thin, Libra.

Capricorn –– Capricorn, people have died securing the right for you to vote. People of color have been lynched for voting, Capricorn. If that doesn’t move you to exercise your right, the stars also tell me that you’ll get an A on your next econ exam if you vote.

Taurus –– So help me, Taurus, if you share one more blatantly false conspiracy theory on Facebook, the stars will not smile kindly upon you. Occupy Democrats and Right Wing News are blatantly hyper partisan propaganda machines and benefit no one.

Leo –– Contrary to popular belief, the media is not rigging the election, Leo. Reporting on facts and what candidates say is not rigging the election. The stars aren’t even sure what you mean by “the media.”

Scorpio –– Prominent economics, including eight Nobel Prize winners, recently said Trump “promotes magical thinking and conspiracy theories over sober assessments of feasible economic policy options.” Not sure about you, Scorpio, but the stars have a tendency to listen to Nobel Prize winners.

Aquarius –– But, Aquarius, you cry, what about Clinton’s emails? Good point, Aquarius, that’s all the stars can really say. No matter how hyped up all those emails become in the news, sometimes over nothing at all, there’s still a serious moment of pause it creates for her.

Gemini –– Enjoy that brief moment of relief come Wednesday, Nov. 9, Gemini, because the 2020 campaign will be officially underway.

Virgo –– Virgo, don’t worry, your preferred candidate will totally win.

Sagittarius –– Sagittarius, don’t worry, your preferred candidate will totally win.

Pisces –– Pisces, your paper about confirmation bias will receive a great grade. Ironic how that worked out.