HOROSCOPES: Stars appear to be spooky for the month of October

Andrew Henderson

At last, the fall season and the month of October have graced us with their beauty. The leaves are now turning majestic shades of red, orange and yellow; all of this before succumbing to an ultimately well-timed, if not still completely inconvenient death.

Finally, the days of obscene 90 something degree heat waves are hopefully behind us, and everyone can now maintain a fall season aesthetic without sweating any more profusely than absolutely necessary.

October and fall mean one thing and one thing only: it’s time to get spooky. Yes, October ushers in a month-long celebration of Halloween.

With Halloween fast approaching, due to how people process the flow of time, the stars have taken it upon themselves to convey some truly spooky messages for this month’s horoscopes.

Aries –– Look, we get that you really liked “Suicide Squad,” but let’s be frank with one another for a moment. As much as you want to go as the Joker and Harley Quinn as a cute couple’s costume, that relationship is highly unhealthy and you are definitely not the first person to come up with the idea. Get back to the drawing board.

Cancer –– When faced with the question of ‘trick or treat,’ refuse to answer the question at all. This question is a distraction from the true issues at hand, Cancer. Members of seven yellow-faced bees from the Hylaeus species of bees are now on the endangered species list. This is a large issue if you enjoy eating food and living, which we assume you do. Focus on the bees, Cancer. On the bees.

Libra –– The presidential election is nearly upon us, Libra. That’s kind of scary. Go vote. Don’t be stubborn and not vote either. Nothing is more frightening than a passive citizen.

Capricorn –– Recent episodes of clown sightings across the United States, and the world to some extent, is the root of quite a lot of anxiety and general unrest. The clowns are rising, Capricorn. Are you prepared?

Taurus –– In your quest to be topically humorous, we strongly advise you not go as Harambe this year for Halloween. Seriously, how many times are we going to keep having this discussion, Taurus?

Leo –– Yes, you’re failing that class. Look, you shouldn’t be all that surprised. You’ve skipped Intro to the Aging Experience at least seven times. Try and turn yourself around, Leo.

Scorpio –– This is the perfect time to finally get to know your next door neighbors. You’ve been hesitant since the beginning of the semester to approach the friendly folks in room 246 because of the overwhelming odor of rot and sign that reads “Keep Out or Perish,” but, you know, maybe it’s time to stop these aesthetic judgements. You’re better than that, Scorpio.

Aquarius –– Your parents know about how much money you’ve been spending at Taco Bell. They are not pleased with your recent financial decisions and have some stern words they’d like to say to you about it. They’re not angry, they’re disappointed.

Gemini –– The street lamp outside of your bedroom window on the intersection of 14th and Park St. will blink twice at precisely 12:33 a.m. three Wednesday’s from now. Await further instructions, Gemini. Trust no one.

Virgo –– Virgo, this looks like an overwhelmingly positive month for you … wait, no, never mind. Never expect things to go like you envision in your head. The reality we create for ourselves tends to be richer than our actual ones, albeit not intimate.

Sagittarius –– That special someone you’ve had your eye on for a while now? There’s a high probability they’re a lizard person. Do a truly scary thing this month, Sagittarius, overcome your own prejudices.

Pisces –– Quit lying to yourself, Pisces. Put your logic aside and admit to yourself that someone is haunting you. While it can be flattering for a spirit to haunt you, for whatever reason it may be, you have to put these feelings of flattery aside and help guide the spirit to a peaceful rest.