Ed. note: After getting feedback from our readers, we have amended the headline of this piece. The Herald apologizes for the poorly-worded previous headline. Under no circumstance was it intended to perpetuate or make light of the real problems that women face on college campuses each day. This column is intended for humor purposes only, and we will be better in the future. Please feel free to email me at [email protected] with any comments, questions or concerns you may have. – Brandon Carter, Editor-in-chief

Q: My biology teaching assistant is hot af, but I’m not sure if she’s down. What signals should I send?

Paul: Hi horny college kid! You should probably stop. 

Look, I’m not saying that she’s not, uh, “down,” but maybe you should stick to biology and forget about your side interests in anatomy. 

This might be a radical notion, but perhaps your TA is just trying to complete her teaching requirement for her degree and isn’t looking to get down with any of her students.

Paul’s cat: Alright, enough of the boring crap. Here’s some divine advice. 

Good things come in threes, right? No. 3 on Wikihow’s article titled “How To Seduce A Woman” is active listening. They recommend a few example questions you can use to keep her purring. “Where did you grow up?” is one. 

So here’s what you do: Walk up to this hottie after class and ask her where she lived when she was a little kitten. Lean in. Arch your back. You’ll be doing some heavy petting in no time.

Paul: Ew. You’re gross.

Paul’s cat: And you’ll be getting nasty soon too, man.

Paul: First off, I’m sure the person writing in has already looked at this particular Wikihow article if “hot af” is being used. Second off, let’s reiterate that women, especially your college instructors, aren’t things to be won or items for “heavy petting.” 

But hey, if you see her on Tinder, swipe right. You never know what could happen!

Paul’s cat: Or just talk to her in person with your vocal chords. Humans and cellphones, I’ll never understand.

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