‘Tis the season: The Herald’s 2015 Christmas gifts

Big Red Santa

The holiday season has arrived, and since we at the Herald have been given so much to write about this semester, we’ve decided to take this time to give back.

 

•To Skeleton’s Lair, we give a cheese sandwich, a $100 gift card to Denny’s and a sense of humor.

•To everyone we’ve made salty this semester, we give hypertension medication.

•The citizens of Kentucky would also receive hypertension medication, but their choice in the recent election now prevents us from doing so.

•We give the Kentucky state government a box of Band-Aids for all the cuts made to higher education funding. 

•To the administration, we give a copy of the Bill of Rights so they can brush up on the First Amendment.

•To President Gary Ransdell, we give a copy of Chinese Rosetta Stone so he can read the contracts he signs in the future.

•To Gordon Emslie, we give the gift of generosity. May he be inspired to make a small donation to funding the Talisman from his modest new teaching salary.

•To Housing and Residence Life, we give Terminex’s business card for all the ladybugs infesting the dorms.

•To the Student Government Association, we give Advil to relieve all those headaches caused by the “Dub the Pub” competition.

•We give Jay Todd Richey a statue of Paul Revere for all those midnight calls to our staff.

•To the football team, we give a packed stadium on Dec. 5. Go Tops!

•To all the recent retirees, we give a timeshare in Florida. Due to budget cuts, we can only afford one weekend.

•To students of color, we give money from the pointless swim team budget to fund a well-deserved cultural center.

•To the Bowling Green Daily News, we give a heart for Bowling Green’s homeless population.

•To the Odyssey, we would give our top five favorite Odyssey articles, but we weren’t able to find any.

•To Blaine Ferrell, we give a free Domino’s pizza for our cheesy advertising placement.

•To the man who assigns tickets for Parking and Transportation, we give the courage to deal with all the angry students yelling at him for doing his job. Keep up the good work.

•To Jason Thompson, we give love and best wishes.

•To the SGA Judicial Council, we give you a photo booth with special props: Gary Ransdell on a box and a dry-erase speech bubble.

Ed. note: A previous version of this article referred to the SGA Judicial Council as “Judicial Counsel.” This error has been corrected in the online version. The Herald regrets the error.