October’s spooky ‘horror’scopes

Mollie Moore

October has come and brought spookiness with it. Don’t let the monsters get you!

Aries: Be safe out there. The night is never-ending, and Native American spirits are going to slit your throat when you least expect it. Did you think you could just take their land without any consequences, Aries? You deserve it.

Taurus: Your greed and jealousy will get the best of you this month. If you aren’t careful, you’ll wake up consumed by an eternal envy and driven to the farthest ends of the earth.

Gemini: No matter how many people surround you, you will always be controlled by a feeling of dread you just can’t shake, constantly looking back over your shoulder. No one can ever save you.

Cancer: Crying in your bathtub is going to get the best of you. You don’t notice it now, but your external shell is slowly hardening. Soon your fingers will merge, creating sharp, absurd pincers that make it impossible to leave your house and force you into the isolation you fear most.

Leo: You may feel small now, but just wait. You’re getting tinier and tinier with each snide remark made behind your back. Don’t worry about that though; you need to start directing your energy to making sure you don’t get stepped on.

Virgo: Even though you meticulously edited it, your psychology paper was returned looking like it was written by a fifth grader. Are your literacy skills slowly declining, or was that vengeance demon not satisfied after last year?

Libra: You’ve found that macaroni and cheese solves problems. You sit down for lunch, and when you look at the time, you’ve been there for hours. You’re going to vomit, but you can’t stop. As you shovel in another spoonful, you ask yourself, “Is the macaroni solving or causing those problems?”

Scorpio: The secrets keep stacking up. With each new lie, you feel farther away from your friends and family. You’re disappearing fast. Soon your reflection will be gone, and no one will even be able to hear the lies you tell.

Sagittarius: Your bike trip across the U.S. is over; you’re stuck in Ohio. Surrounded by cornfields, this road is never-ending. No matter the time of day, there are no cars, and all that surrounds you is corn.

Capricorn: Lo mein from that Chinese restaurant next to Kroger for dinner last night wasn’t your best idea. That squirming feeling in your stomach isn’t nerves. It’ll be there longer than today; tapeworms can live for years.

Aquarius: Chaos is looming. That cloud over your head won’t go away — no matter how fast you run. Wear a rain jacket.

Pisces: He’s coming. Run as fast and as far as you can. The intruding memories of the mothership and test probes from your childhood will pale in comparison to what is lurking in the sky this time.