Parking is still atrocious on the Hill. As students drive about looking for a spot, they may consider all the things their university does manage to offer. They can’t afford to offer the service they sold to students, but at least Hilltoppers can still find:

•Oddly phallic statues

•Students that go home every weekend

•Pointless athletics spending

•Tuition hikes

•Pikes who pass classes 

•Non-functioning laundry machines

•Actual healthy food on campus

•Ghosts

•Useless Honors classes that are required for graduation

•Two million dollar expansions to administrators’ offices

•A building named after the current president

•A football player named Wonderful

•Someone who actually enjoys Fresh Food 

•New tennis courts that club teams aren’t allowed to use

•Building debt tacked onto students’ tuition

•Strangers condemning students to hell

•A 92 percent acceptance rate and roughly 50 percent graduation rate

•Some of the most expensive housing in town