I am writing to you from an undisclosed location inside the Adams-Whitaker Student Publications Center. All I can tell you is that I have a view of a lot that is a prime location for parking violations.
In spite of my situation, I knew I had to contact you. There are some important things you must know. Unfortunately, word count does not restrict my message, but inch count. Thus, my situation becomes more precarious.
You should first know what importance you hold. Without you, my colleagues/accomplices at the Herald and I have no hope. The things you do are imperative to our survival.
Please play your pickup Frisbee games. Ride to class on your skateboards and unicycles. Don’t stop having your Live Action Role-Playing battles. Plan a flash mob and break into song and dance on campus. Attend sporting events in outrageous numbers. Stand up to the administration for your causes.
Do it all. Because we’re watching.
But you’re also important as informants. When we have failed to spot a story — or if you suspect we may have — employ the stealthy method of letting us know. Our contact information has been carefully and painstakingly encoded on this page.
You can’t stop there, though. Your newspaper requests a bit more of you. We rely on you in many ways, and one of those ways is hearing what you think. What do you think about a story we wrote? Do you have a stance on the issue, or do you have criticism or praise for how we presented it? We will not know unless you tell us. I again refer you to the secret contact information on this page. Please be aware that after the laborious training my accomplices and I have endured for our current positions in this agency, our skin is thick, and we are ready for your thoughts.
There is one last thing you should know before I conclude this correspondence until a later date. We are always looking for recruits. Unlike a certain organization that seeks out a few good men, we want anyone with any talents to offer. Writers, photographers, designers, grammar Nazis, videographers, etc. You’ve got it, we want it. This newspaper is yours, and the door is open to you. No code word required. Student Publications awaits your arrival.
I close this document now and deliver it to you with a click of my mouse as it rests on my Meat Loaf mouse pad. As the soothing tunes of the Buddy Holly Pandora radio station fade, I hope my words have reached you. Just remember: no matter where I and my accomplices are, we’re always there for you, listening and waiting.