Playground Notes

Danny Schoenbaechler

President Gary Ransdell received a vicious kick to his nether regions this week.

Gov. Ernie Fletcher levied a $5.6 million budget cut on Western, leaving Ransdell with only one option (at least in my opinion).

Ransdell needs to realize what thousands of his students have realized.

Suds drown sorrows.

That’s right, beer is clearly the answer to Western’s budget cut woes.

Selling alcohol at Western athletic events would not only raise campus morale, it would raise Cherry Hall sized heaps of money.

I decided to take it upon my own massive shoulders to devise a rough plan of attack for Ransdell and his henchmen, a.k.a the administrative council.

It should be noted that one of the reasons I am a journalism major is my lack of mathematic skills and thus my inability to pass Math 100 – I’m a two-time loser.

So here it is, Operation King de Beers.

Phase 1. Sell beer.

First of all, I think the sale of cold brewskis would result in year-round sellouts at both men’s basketball and football games.

Year-round sellouts at Smith Stadium and Diddle Arena by my figures would raise around $520,000 a year.

Next is revenue from alcohol sales at men’s basketball games. With 16 home games and a capacity 7,368 fans at each, that would raise $1,152,000 a year.

That is, of course, using the theory that large student consumption would slant the average to three beers purchased per person.

While the football team has just six home games a year, Smith Stadium also holds 17,500.

Using the same “college students are drunks methodology,” beer at football games would result in $918,000 a year. Besides, football games are on Saturdays. The height of drunken hysteria.

Phase 1, subsection 2.

I know what you’re thinking. Phase 1 is so incredibly amazing how could it get any better.

Here’s how, more trips to the concession stand people will obviously increase other concession sales. Conservative estimate, let’s say $3,000 a year between football and men’s basketball. Not much, but every bit helps.

Phase 2 of Operation King de Beers relates to the sudden increase in school spirit. Since student tickets are in massive demand, Ransdell should raise the student athletic fee $50.

He raised tuition two c-notes this fall, so what’s another 50.

Bam, that’s about $900,000 a year. Time to add it up. That is $3,493,000 raised in one year. Not counting the other sports.

If those make $7,000 a year, we’ve hit the $3.5 million mark. And 3.5 is shorter to type, so let’s go with it.

If we ran Operation King de Beers for two years, its income would be $7 million. Which in turn means a $1.4 million surplus.

Now I really know what you’re thinking. Forget Alan Greenspan, George Bush should hire me to run the Federal Reserve in Washington D.C.

Ransdell and his merry men must now accomplish two things. First sell alcohol, then trot down to Diddle, kneel down at midcourt, and recite this prayer.

Our Brewer, who art in the Rockies, hallowed be thy label. Thy kegs will come thy defecit will go, on the Hill as it is in D.C.

Danny Schoenbaechler is a sports columnist and sports editor for the Herald. Reach him at [email protected]