As students of this fine campus, we are often inundated by the unwieldy mass of propaganda put up by various organizations, political parties, coalitions, secret societies, et. al. Recently we have come across an innumerable amount of ‘fake flyers’ littering our campus bulletin boards. Most are not quite sure what to make of these oddities, but one thing is certain: the joke stops here. Concerned students have spoken out and said that these left-wing anarchists have disrupted the finely tuned workings of the university bulletin board for the last time. Such subversive non sequiturs proclaiming the untimely death of the ‘Bag Man’ and Santa Claus, cake enthusiasm, a special screening of Donald Kaufman’s The Three, and the odious practice of ‘stuffin’ bears’ are the pestilence infecting the tender life-blood of our fellow Hill Toppers. Why would any sane individual care about some pagan Campus Crusade for Cthulu? Why is TV’s favorite feline feasting extraterrestrial wanted for numerous counts of sodomy? Who is it that consistently berates me for choking? How could any human being so callously slander the name of the already victimized Melay Nichols cum imaginary driving school? How do you get that freakin’ duck away from me?

This is obviously a well organized militia of radical commie pig-dogs subverting the unsuspecting, red-white-and-blue touting populace during these sombering times of dire peril. As far as we’re concerned, these terrorists must be found and prosecuted. Sever their hands, boil them in oil, the rack! THE RACK! Then we’ll force them to endure a twenty four hour marathon of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, starting with the identical twin espionage kung fu classic, Double Impact. We must defend our virtues during this toilsome age or else the terrorists have truly won.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we have go pump ourselves up for National Kick Your Mom in the Face Day, taking place on the DUC South Lawn on October 15th. Be there or be not kicked in the face.

– Chuck Williamson, Junior, Hattiesburg, MS, (270)-745-4760

– Kristen Fisher, Sophomore, Louisville, KY, (270)-746-4901