SUPERPICKS: Hair fire claims the life of columnist

Hollan Holm

Humor columnist Hollan Holm died this morning at Greenwood Regional Hospital.

Doctors cited third-degree burns from the spontaneous combustion of Holm’s hair pomade as the cause of death.

“He was the best-smelling corpse to ever smolder in the halls of this institution,” Dr. C. Everett Burns said.

Burns served as attending physician at Holm’s bedside. His duties included swiping Holm’s watch and major credit cards to pay the “HMO.”

For once, Burns said, he felt bad about his job. Holm had no gold fillings to plunder.

“Remarkably, his teeth were well-preserved,” Burns said. “I mean, you look at the guy, see his physical appearance and tell yourself ‘Hey, here’s a guy who likes the sweets!'”

Burns lamented that, with any other guy of Holm’s girth, he could have made an easy $50 off the fillings.

Some family members, a girlfriend and two dogs survived Holm. But due to College Heights Herald budget restrictions on long-distance phone calls over 40 seconds and a lack of interest, none could be reached.

Holm was also survived by the residents of the Ninth Floor of Rodes-Harlin Hall. For two years, they made fun of his choice in computers and pressured him to resell his absent roommate’s possessions.

Louisville sophomore Jordan Gagel paused from playing video games long enough to sob a public statement.

“We lost a great humanitarian, one who knew no color or gender barriers,” Gagel said. “We love you, Hollan. The nation mourns your loss.” He quickly returned to his perennial campaign of leading Princeton to the Final Four in “March Madness.”

Elizabethtown soon-to-be junior Kevin Groseclose and Versailles sophomore Shawn Jenkins had to break off their discussion of the joys of wagering and human flesh consumption to speak.

“He was a good guy,” Groseclose said. “He had great hair. He had a million dollar smile and was a great kisser.”

“Now that he’s gone, there will be a hole in me that will never be filled,” Jenkins said.

President Gary Ransdell could not be reached for comment after repeated Herald contact attempts, including leaping from bushes, stalking him as he walked his dog and tearing open his shower curtain with a downward thrusting knife and staccato string music. If reporters had reached Ransdell, it’s assumed he would have sent out a mass campus e-mail similar to the following:

“Unfortunately, Hollan’s death affects the whole campus, myself included,” Ransdell would have written in the e-mail. “There was a clause in our arm wrestling contract which reads: ‘Should one participant die before a mandatory rematch, a sibling must replace the competitor for a four-match Home/Away series.’ It’s a pretty standard contract we make people sign around here, and since Hollan died without any brothers and sisters, I get his Honda. I will feed it to my SUV, effective immediately.”

Although initially ruled a spontaneous combustion incident, campus police continue to investigate Holm’s death.

“We know that the hair pomade is slippery. We’d have let it go if he had just slipped and broken his neck,” someone claiming to be a campus police media spokesperson said. “But actual flames, now that’s something worth looking into. Did I mention we’ve got a couple of suspects?”

Although officers would not comment on the ongoing investigation, they did make a cryptic statement about having a “short list” of suspects. They then pointed to a photograph of Student Government Association President-Elect John V. Bradley.

The late humor columnist had made repeated jokes about Bradley’s status as the Antichrist, a biblically-touted figure whose rise to power will begin a 1,000-year reign of evil.

Holm also wrote in his journal that he hated standing “around” Bradley because he smelled “funny.” Holm then defined “funny” as an “aromatic casserole of cartons of spoiled skim milk and used diapers baked at 350 degrees for 45 minutes” and “around” as “in the same state.”

“Hey, Hollan never gave me the Filet-O-Fish sandwich he promised me,” Bradley said. “But they’re not worth killing over. Or are they?” Bradley proceeded to laugh maniacally for five minutes and then passed out from exhaustion.

Pick O’ the Week

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Hollan Holm

c/o The College Heights Herald

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Bowling Green, KY 42101

A census-taker once tried to test Hollan Holm. [email protected] ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.