The applications to be my new arch nemesis are in, and the votes have been tabulated. Of the over 16,000 students at Western, not to mention the faculty and staff whose statistics I’m too lazy to look up, a whopping three applications were submitted.
But as I like to point out, that’s 60 percent of my usual column readers. That same 60 percent is six times the turnout to the Student Government Association’s online elections last year.
I’d like to thank everyone who submitted an application and to those of you who didn’t win, remember. No one loves you.
My third place nemesis is Brooke, who opted against including her last name in her application. That cost her points. Brooke, who seems to think the whole campus is on a first name basis with her, also goes by the nickname Tiny-T. Nicknames earn major points for any arch nemesis.
Within a month of my freshman debut on the Hill, I had been given a new middle name: Hollan “Horse (Bad verb)” Holm. My story: A bunch of guys on my floor saw me naked in the shower. Their story: Calling me Triple-H is still a riot.
Tiny-T also demonstrated her ability to follow directions by responding in her e-mail in jungle green font. But Brooke refused to disclose her evil deeds. As everyone knows, an arch nemesis must always sign a full disclosure agreement before beginning work. That’s the best way to kill 15 minutes as a hero is about to die an unnecessarily complicated death. That cost her the contest.
The Runner-Up Arch Nemesis belongs to Christopher Glenn Chandler, a sophomore from somewhere in the Western hemisphere. His evil deeds include actually buying a Jefferson Starship CD and doodling in class. His only fault in the application, other than being a journalist, is that he owns every Bjork CD, including an import.
Chandler is a stickler for spelling and informed me that the “big Russian,” from Rocky IV, was Ivan Drago. (I knew that, it was part of the test – really.)
He wrote that he also parks in RA spots around his dorm and goes on “little rants” while typing. I just could not find any reason to loathe him – ignoring the Bjork fetish. Christopher and his palindrome initials were more cut out to be on the byline of this column rather than the butt of one of its jokes.
But where would I find someone despicable and foul enough to warrant one of my tirades? I didn’t have to look any further than SGA. But in such an organization, where could I find anyone motivated enough to be my life-long enemy? The search ended in my own family, with my cousin, SGA president – elect John V. Bradley.
Bradley, or “Antichrist,” as I like to call him behind his back and during church, used all of the evil powers at his disposal. He blackmailed his way into my column with tawdry family stories about my inability to operate toilet paper at a young age. He stooped to insulting my high school newspaper. His application even included a jungle green Microsoft Paint portrait of himself, exacting in detail all the way down to his bloated forearms and the five-foot-long jagged hair erupting from an otherwise bald head. To make matters worse, he sent me this mess on SGA stationary, which my student fees probably bought. (At least I finally have something to show for it.)
The Antichrist’s resume chronicled a 23-year hellion career that has culminated this year into an orgy of “sleeping, overeating and cracking jokes about Hollan and his ‘writing.'” Who said elected officials don’t do anything?
So let it hereby be known that I’m declaring war on SGA president-elect John V. Bradley. If I was a good cousin, I would know what that “V” really stands for, but when I’m done with him, it will mean “Victim” or “Vanquished” or some other more appropriate V-word. Let a new era of Herald/SGA war BEGIN!!! (Insert maniacal laughter here.)
Picks O’ the Week
BULLET Tired of my petty squabbles in this column? Do yourself a favor and head to Tidball’s tonight for penny beers ’til midnight.
BULLET Pack it into the Happy Inn Friday night because there’s always some room for the Muckrakers. The cover is $5, and their sets, as always, begin at 10 p.m.
BEGITAL Hi. Hollan Holm, rush chairman, (blank) glad to meet you. Hi, that was [email protected], rush chairman. He was (blank) glad to meet you. ENDITAL