SUPERPICKS: Applications for ARSIS due

Hollan Holm

A potential candidate for the position of arch nemesis e-mailed me last week. To this freshman from New Hope who lives in Keen Hall, I can only say two things right now, apply like everyone else and learn to spell “humerous” correctly.

As I wrote in last week’s column, today I’ve included an application to be my new arch nemesis, or my ARSIS for short.

If selected to be my ARSIS, you will be the butt of at least one of my SuperPicks jokes per column. I know there will only be five more columns this semester, but wait. There’s more.

That one privileged recipient of my ire will also get a handsome certificate declaring them an “Official Enemy of the SuperPicks” written in my blood*. Also, the winner will receive a coupon for a Filet-O-Fish sandwich from McDonald’s that has been coughed on by a Canadian with Severe Acute Respiratory SyndromeT. If the disease doesn’t kill you, the sandwich will.

Even freshmen from New Hope could be chosen for that.

APPLICATION

Section I: General Information

Name:

Phone Number:

E-mail Address:

Age: Classification:

Gender: Male ___ Female ___ Both ___

Section II: Psychological Evaluation

(Circle your responses in jungle-green crayon.)

1. Are you a university administrator? Yes No

(If you answered yes, please respond to the following two questions.)

2. Can you arm wrestle better than President “Scary” Gary Ransdell? Yes No

3. Can you keep me from graduating? Yes No

4. When you get hungry, what do you think of eating first?

A. Puppies B. Kittens C. Babies D. All of the Above

(If you answered “Male” or “Both” above for Gender, respond to the following questions.)

5. When you watch the final fight in Rocky IV, what is your reaction?

A. That big Russian guy is sexy. B. That big Russian guy is sexy! C. That BIG Russian guy is sexy!! D. That BIG Russian guy is SEXY!!!

6. Were you the guy caught in the act in McCormack Hall by over 50 Ninth floor Rodes-Harlin residents and three Herald staff members last Friday night? (Yes. We have windows.)

A. Yes B. No C. I’m going to kill you for mentioning that. D. All of the above. I got confused.

(If you answered “Female” or “Both” above, please respond to the following two questions.)

7. Were you the girl from McCormack with a penchant for performance art caught by over 50 Ninth floor Rodes-Harlin Residents and three Herald staff members last Friday night?

A. Yes B. No C. You’re dead … NOW. D. All of the above. I, like my partner, am perplexed.

8. Were you the girl I wrote about last semester who visited my imaginary roommate while you thought I was asleep?

A. Yes B. No. C. I’m teaming up with the McCormack couple and you are seriously dead. D. Give it up. Nobody remembers that column anyway.

9. Please attach a resume of your evil deeds and photo or crayon sketch of yourself. (Jungle-green only for the crayon sketch.) They will be judged on facial hair, presence of scars and patch eyes or other evil characteristics.

10. Write and include a 300-word or less essay on why you deserve such an honor as to be the arch nemesis of a columnist nobody reads.

11. I, _______________________, affix my signature and do hereby agree to waive all rights to pursue any legal action against SuperPicks columnist Hollan Holm or the award-winning? College Heights Herald for any libelous statements made by the party of the first part and published by the party of the second part.

Sign your full name here:

Date:

*Actual blood may be substituted for red Crayola marker

TVoted Disease of the Year by Time magazine

?Voted “Least Likely to be Hit by a Smart Bomb” by its fellow Axis of Evil members

The deadline for your application to be in my hand is two weeks.

E-mail it to me, if you feel like typing, to [email protected]

Mail it to me at:

Hollan Holm

c/o College Heights Herald

1 Big Red Way

Bowling Green, Kentucky 42101

Picks O’ the Week

•Bonepony will play at 10:30 p.m. on Friday at Ellis Place. Saddle up for this cross cultural extravaganza.

•The WKU Jazz Ensemble will play Saturday night in Van Meter Auditorium at 7:30 p.m. Admission is free. But if you’d like, send me $5, and we’ll call it even.

It’s 106 miles to Chicago. Hollan Holm’s got a full tank of gas, a half a pack of smokes, it’s dark and [email protected] is wearing sunglasses. Hit it.