SUPERPICKS: America’s true problem: The waste of recycling

Hollan Holm

America is suffering from a ridiculous waste problem.

I saw an example of this in Helm Library this weekend as I abused my student computing fee by printing the equivalent of the Old and New Testaments on university paper.

If you’ve ever been to the library you know that when you print from the library computers you get a cover sheet with your Western e-mail ID. (Mine, holmht, is profanity in three out of every five former Soviet bloc countries.)

Well these cover sheets all wind up in a wheeled trash can for recycling. Thanks to my printing jobs, the trash can got two more feet of white paper.

But my problem is recycling in general. I just don’t have the patience for it.

Environmentalists expect me to put forth the effort to drop a used piece of paper in a funny-colored trash can and hope it will do Mother Earth some good.

A pox on the planet. I want instant gratification in my waste management.

To accommodate the environmentally conscious people like myself, I think everything should be made edible.

It seems far-fetched, but in my uneducated opinion, edible technology is poised to take the world like a Dairy Queen cookie dough Blizzard.

For example, novelty stores are already stocked with items like edible underwear. There are edible plastics under development that taste like strawberries. There are bowls made of bread in Topper Cafe. Ice cream cones have been around longer than we’ve been alive and they still never seem to get too stale for university student use.

All are proof that soon the whole world may someday be one gigantic Ponderosa buffet ripe for the chewing and without any sneeze guards.

This concept should be immediately spread to all facets of American life. Imagine the possibility of vegetarian prisoners locked away in cells made of T-bone steaks.

Don’t want to pack up your winter clothes for the summer? Call up your friends and throw them a three-load meal.

Even this column would finally be worth the paper on which it’s printed.

Who could oppose such an idea?

Animal rights activists sure wouldn’t because for the first time, canines would no longer be to blame for missing homework.

The typical university classroom conversation would go like this:

Student: Uh, my dog ate my homework.

Professor: Hmmm, really? (Applies the evil professor “Eye of Truth.”)

Student: No wait! I ate my homework because the food court closes too early. Please forward all my late work penalties to Aramark Food Services.

Edible clothes would add extra danger to the grandmotherly love attacks. Take this following situation.

Grandmother: Bubba Joe, you look so cute, I could just eat you up. Is that sailor suit blueberry or blackberry? I just can’t tell in this light.

Making everything edible would open new avenues for corrections. Why use capital punishment when prisoners could be subject to corpulent punishment? What could be more effective and yet as environmentally friendly as forcing prisoners to crawl around on their hands and knees eating the edible litter people throw out of their cars?

All of these ideas and more are part of the up and coming Eat Me International Movement (EMIM). The slogan of this currently one-member movement is EMIM: Were mime, only spelled backwards.

After all, if we were losing the war against childhood obesity, we might as well win the battle against hunger.

Picks O’ the Week

•Ever find yourself wondering what to do at 6:10 p.m. on a Thursday? Well look no further than CBS tonight. The Hilltoppers will tango with the Fightin’ Illini in the battle to settle once and for all who has the vaguest mascot?

•As for this weekend, go to Panama City or something, it’s spring break. As for me I’ll be writing two research papers. Cheers.

Hollan Holm, is this REAL tomato ketchup? Only the best, [email protected]