If you’re taking the campus tour right now and reading this column, you’re probably a senior in high school.
If you’re taking the tour in February of your senior year — when you should be doing as little as possible in your hallowed classrooms — then you’re just the kind of nerd who needs to read this.
Apparently, you, high school senior, are pretty smart. (“Purty smart,” if you leave two golf tees in that game on the tables at Cracker Barrel.) Being so cerebrally-gifted means you are a top recruit for Western’s new Bates-Runner Hall.
This new dorm — don’t be confused when you hear it called a “residence hall,” nobody “cool” calls it that — will house only smart kids like you. It’s all a part of Housing and Residence Life’s plan to make you well adjusted in your first foray into campus life.
In exchange for a high ACT score and an essay, you’ll get to live with a horde of other smart people your age. You’ll all bond together and become really close taking three classes with the same people every week for an entire semester.
But don’t be fooled by HRL (pronounced like the synonym for puking or how rapper Nelly would pronounce hell). You don’t need this so-called “actually nice-looking” dorm to succeed academically at Western. In fact, you’ll probably be better off without it.
We have a variety of other housing choices for you here at Western that, if you squint, are just as survivable as this so-called “actually nice-looking” dorm.
Consider the lilies of the Douglas Keen Hall (Dorm motto: “Who needs women?”). It’s got both a short side and a tall side and is located almost as far from those pesky classrooms as you can get. It’s the prime property to choose if you want to really escape from a hard day of Freshman Seminar and Fundamentals of Public Speaking class.
Need another gender? Try on for size the 27 floors of Pearce Ford Tower (Dual dorm mottoes: “Bigger definitely is better” and “More stairs equals more fun”). It’s chock full of older men and women to tug at your freshmen heartstrings.
Need more decor in your dorm? Poland Hall (Motto: “Now Communism free”) has all the Eastern bloc and cinder block charm you’ll ever need.
It’s the private bathrooms that are the problems in the so-called “actually nice-looking” dorm that will hurt your transition to campus.
Without community showers, you’ll miss out on all the latest gossip and conversation. You’ll be denied the soothing water temperature variation of igloo-cold to Hades-hot water when toilets flush anywhere in the building.
Also, how will you be inspired to win the Nobel Prize for physics by figuring out where to cram all that stuff you thought you would use, but really didn’t need, when you packed to go to school? The new dorms and their storage space will push Ogden College of Science, Technology and Health behind the rest of the world.
Do Western and yourself a favor when you fill out those applications to live in the fancy new dorms. Fill it out putting your correct ACT, awards, honors and other information, just don’t put your name. Then write the essay to the best of your ability. Now out of protest to HRL put this name on the application: Hollan Holm. Don’t misspell it, and HRL will know exactly what they can do with those dorms.
Pick O’ the Week
•Division 16 and it’s hard rock sounds will be in Bowling Green this weekend. There’s no cover for this and their set will begin at 9 p.m. each night at the Spillway. Get this, it’s a bar and a grill.
Hollan Holm is so quick that when he turns out the lights [email protected] is in bed before it gets dark.