SUPERPICKS: Columnist questions warning level

Hollan Holm

On Friday, President Bush, the sequel, raised the nation’s terror alert level to Orange. As scary as such fruit is to people — from deaths by choking on whole oranges or blindness by a blast of juice in the eye — it doesn’t end there.

This high level warning means danger for the citizens of the United States. The citrus-colored threat denotes a high risk of terror attacks for Americans.

Ominous indeed, this heightened level raise came on Friday — just in time to ruin my weekend.

I have a problem with the Homeland Security Advisory System, mainly having to do with the consistency of colors. There are five colors: green, blue, yellow, orange and red.

My criticism is that the color blue does not go between green and yellow. As anyone who has had elementary finger-painting knows, blue is a primary color which, when combined with yellow, makes green.

What kind of people did we not elect by popular vote to the White House? The kind who would cut elementary art classes to save money. They should put blue at the Low level and green as the Guarded color to make the transition better and avoid confusing citizens who aren’t color blind.

I’m sure that it was confusion about the color scheme that kept the residents of Nashville feeling safe and secure as they strolled about the grounds of Opry Mills this past weekend.

They were oblivious to the extreme dangers surrounding them.

For instance, where do the British get off trying to say their pound is worth 50 percent more than the U.S. dollar? Clearly, this “ally” is sneaking behind American backs to get ahead at the currency exchange booth over by the inflatable mattress store in Opry Mills.

We should stop being so trusting of the British. After all, other than the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, James Bond, the Jaguar and Elizabeth Hurley, what have they really done for us?

Americans, including Western students, need to start behaving in accordance with the current security level.

We all need to start acting high.

To support this, I propose an increase in the number of fire drills at 4 a.m. Five, randomly placed during the school week, should produce the red-eyed, listless mentality that befits our threatened position in world affairs.

Second, to hone Americans’ survival instincts and produce a general feeling of paranoia, individual pieces of bubble packaging should be hid throughout the country under carpets, toilet seats, doormats and church pews. Only with piercing bursts erupting from our bathrooms and religious institutions will we know the fear of terrorist gunfire and be aware of it at any time.

Pick O’ the Week

•Bonepony will be playing at 10 p.m. tomorrow night at the State Street Pub. The show will feature songs from their new album “Traveler’s Companion.”

[email protected] knows it doesn’t take a million bucks to do two columns at the same time. But it does for a dude like him.