SUPERPICKS: Felons need college, high school students need burger jobs

Hollan Holm

Western Kentucky University needs to add a new college.

Last year — December, to be precise — Kentucky’s governor — Paul Patton, to be precise — released nonviolent felons — more than 500, to be vague — from county jails across the state.

The burden on the economy from so many unemployed felons clearly wasn’t discussed in what was an attempt to save money. Now these inmates are free to roam about the state and take away minimum wage burger-flipping positions from nonconvicted teenagers.

Without the needed funds from such jobs going to high school students, who will buy the 10-foot spoilers and neon disco balls to decorate the 1980s import cars of Kentucky?

Kids in Glasgow will aimlessly walk their usual driving strip around town, too ashamed of their lack of car accessories to drive. The after-market parts industry will crumble. Governments will fall. Terror will reign.

But Western can prevent this by taking in these newly released prisoners and hiring them to teach in a new College of the Criminal Arts.

High school students will again be able to make greasy burritos at minimum wage without fear.

But I don’t propose said college lightly. This idea, which can be partly attributed to or blamed on student fiction-writing genius Alex Taylor, leads to problems in housing, curriculum and funding.

First of all, where will these classes meet? Snell Hall, which already resembles a crack house with its many plywood-laden windows, is the perfect choice. Western wouldn’t even have to clean it up to suit the professors. They probably saw worse while in jail.

What will these Criminal Arts students study?

Well, the truly educated criminal must take a wide range of crime-related courses in many areas. The sciences will be represented with courses like the chemistry of drugs, with its meth lab designation. Physical education classes will stress the importance of stretching before running from cops and the need to aim for the ACL when busting the knees of delinquent debtors with a baseball bat. The communications courses will teach students to wear either a wife-beater undershirt or no shirt at all when starring in the television program “COPS.”

How will Western fund this critical program? Well, in light of the impending budget cut that could range from 5 to 9 percent, that’s a good question. The College of Criminal Arts will steal its funding from other universities and the carports and garages of Bowling Green.

The College of the Criminal Arts will also improve the general education curriculum for the rest of the university. No longer will students get busted for possession of marijuana and then claim that the pants they are wearing belong to a friend. No longer will students rob someone they visited the night before and leave part of their haul lying about their dorm room. Regular students will no longer be uneducated criminals.

I’m even sure that professors and students in the College of the Criminal Arts will be glad to help Western raise the remaining $4 million of the $90 million for its “Investing in the Spirit” campaign. My proposed fund raiser, “Extorting from the Spirit,” will use blackmail and elaborate telemarketing scams to shakedown cash from the stingiest alumni.

The benefits for Western in having a College of the Criminal Arts don’t end there, though. This program could rival Eastern Kentucky University’s department of criminal justice and police studies, literally. Whenever we play Eastern in sports again, our criminal students and Eastern’s criminal justice students will gladly pay extra for tickets to get the chance to beat the tar out of or handcuff the other. The criminal justice students will probably do both.

Western’s new College of the Criminal Arts will give the university a new motto: the Spirit Makes the Master Criminal.

Picks O’ the Week

•Fight the national spread of vampirism. Give blood today in Garrett Conference Center from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. But not for the whole five hours — you’ll die.

•Move your keester on over to the Public Theater of Kentucky Friday night for its presentation of the play “Move Over, Mrs. Markham.” Tickets are $10 for students and seniors and $12 for adults.

Hollan Holm is a liar and a thief. His e-mail at [email protected] only lied about being a thief.