Fun. fuzzy, facetious gifts from the Herald Staff

Santa has checked his list. Now it’s the Herald’s turn to make some revisions.

The old fat man can’t have all the fun during the holidays.

The Herald has created a list of things we’d like to pass on to some of the semester’s biggest newsmakers.

Some screwed up and some made us proud.

Either way, they could all use a little help this time of year.


There’s nothing quite like waking up on Christmas morning, running down the stairs and seeing what Santa Claus stuffed down the chimney. For little Presley Nash, a recent bone marrow transplant recipient, we’d like her to be able to go home for the holidays.

We absolutely love SGA this time of the year. They always need something for Christmas. Now that Gazebo-Gate is over and there’s still no gazebo, we’re gonna ask Santa to drop one off. We’ll put a big gold plaque on it that says “Sponsored by the College Heights Herald.”

Cloning is a touchy subject, but hey, why not offer faculty members an identical copy of themselves? They could use the help teaching and grading papers for overcrowded classes. Wait, maybe this is a bad idea.

Students could use a little help protecting themselves. After recent events, who knows when someone will knock on your door with a stun gun or rifle. Students get “The Club” to protect their cars and bullet proof vests to wear under their clothes. Be safe.

‘Tis the season for a stiff drink after a four-hour Wal-mart trip. We’re offering up a card to hold in wallets that lists Topper Transit times. No one knows for certain when Topper Transit runs. Maybe this can boost the ridership.

Santa’s bringing sand to the poor kids in the directional halls. Sandbags that is. If the university won’t help prevent flooding in the dorms, sandbags might. Don’t fight, there’s plenty to go around.

Housing and Residence Life could clearly use some help in the new year. Fiascoes with flooding, housing shortages and this new $500 termination fee are leaving their phone lines tied up. Santa’s picking up the tab to enroll the workers in Public Relations classes. At least then they can learn to put a good spin on bad news or even better, avoid it.

Beer huggers, a six pack of Heineken and a lawn chair is what President Ransdell is getting for Christmas. He can toss one back in front of McLean like all the other alumni. Or he can buckle down and create a real alcohol policy.

Oh, we’re also giving him some bigger biceps in case he decides to arm wrestle our sissy columnist again. Come on — we thought you were the champ.

Faculty and staff get the obvious gift — $2 each to buy a lottery ticket. Maybe they’ll get lucky and hit the jackpot so they can afford to pay off their health insurance.

New Faculty Regent Robert Dietle needs a megaphone. He’s gonna need a loud voice to convince the other big wigs to do the right thing.

The teams on the Hill get a lot this time of year. We’re hoping for a miracle for the men’s basketball team– healthy players.

The football team will be sporting division 1-AA championship rings. Hopefully they’ll get them for winning two more games.

Also, a win and a lei for the volleyball team. Hope everything goes well in Hawaii.

For everyone else on the Hill, you’ve already gotten your Christmas present. Snow and no classes.

Hope you had fun.

Maybe Santa will be nice this year.

This editorial represents the majority opinion of the Herald’s 10-member board of student editors.