Campus woes drive student to Bahamas and grass skirts

Amy Roberts

As my peers complained about their classes during my freshman year, I recall myself speaking of the college experience,”Going to class is a small price to pay to get this kind of life experience.”

I bet there’s a handful of readers right now wondering what kinda crack I was on and where they can get it.

Let’s shift a year forward. I haven’t been to astronomy in three weeks, math is going to be the death of me, and since I’ve changed my major from journalism to textiles and merchandising, the taunting of my roommate is endless. She’s convinced my life’s high point is going to be folding clothes at Express when I’m 40.

There’s some other stuff weighing on me. Forget about Saddam Hussein’s plot against the United States for a moment. Let’s focus on the university’s plot to keep students here as long as possible. The best way to do this is to have every professor on campus schedule an exam for the same day.

Come Wednesday morning, students have the stress level that would cause Ransdell to crack. When a “D” is the highest grade received, students are going to seriously consider the Marines as opposed to this hellacious academia. Congratulations Western, when Sally and Bobby return from boot camp in tears, you have their money for an additional 4 semesters.

My next issue with college – partying. It’s getting old. I know it’s a national pastime, but let’s review what really goes on at these shindigs. Boy and girl meet. Boy and girl decide they are perfect for each other. Boy and girl hookup. Monday morning boy and girl don’t acknowledge they’re in the same English class together.

Also, overly intoxicated people are annoying. I know someone, who’ll remain nameless, who made quite the spectacle of herself at a recent quaint social Halloween gathering. Dressing up like Britney Spears is one thing. Acting like her is another.

Now I’m not guilty of anything like the above. Sigh. Heck, I don’t even like parties. I usually rearrange my sock drawers on Thursday nights.

Can we talk about parking? I enjoy parking here. It gives me the utmost satisfaction, about as much as my mom calling me at 7:30 on a Saturday morning. I’m going to start parking on the wide sidewalk right in front of Zacharias Hall and see what they do. I figure after they tow me enough they’ll get tired of coming to campus, and I’ll get a private space in the front row of the Pearce-Ford Tower lot. I’d advise you to try the same. We can all park in the grass, and it’ll be like a Saturday afternoon football game – nobody in the stadium, everyone on the lawn. Don’t forget your hamburgers and cups.

I’ve been pondering these issues lately. My good ol’ Northern pal at Central Michigan University hears me and has a way to escape this sudden feeling of dread.

We’re dropping out of school next week and moving to the Bahamas. He’s gonna open a hat hut, and you’ll be able to find me in a grass skirt and coconuts selling margaritas. If you’re feeling a little burnt out, come and join us. I hear it’s 85 and sunny down there right now.

Amy Roberts is a sophomore textiles and merchandising major from Owensboro.