Columnist makes plan to dodge non-existent draft

Hollan Holm

I was having a particularly patriotic moment the other day while listening to Rage Against the Machine’s “Know Your Enemy.”

Somewhere between the lines “What, the land of the free?” and “Whoever told you that is your enemy,” I decided I loved America enough to dodge the draft.

Granted, there is no draft right now, but with presidential statements asking other leaders to hold the Iraqi regime “to account,” there’s a good chance there will be war.

For whatever reason you may dislike the “Dub-ya” – overly dramatic speech pauses or inability to use complete sentences – he’s still the president, and he means business.

Thinking I could get out of this war on a technicality such as punching like a kindergartner, I checked the Selective Service System Web site. But I became spooked by the Selective Service System’s abbreviation: SSS.

By my historical reckoning, there haven’t been that many crooked letters in one organization since the Nazi’s “SS” troopers in World War II.

I needed a counter-SSS strategy, and fast. I can’t be drafted; I would be embarrassed by the armed forces physical, not to mention my chronic bouts of combat-induced pants-wetting.

I’ve heard stories from Vietnam-era dodgers. Evidently, I can get disqualified for high blood sugar by eating 100-plus candy bars in an hour before the exam.

The scheme seemed great until I realized the smooth caramel and cookie crunch residue on my teeth would give me away. And then there’s the rampant vomiting.

My only way out of this draft nonsense would have to involve fleeing my beloved country to a new – preferably pacifist- beloved country.

When it comes to armies that don’t fight much, my first choice was Canada (Unofficial Motto: Got Maple Syrup?). I mean, after World War II the guns of that frozen tundra were silenced.

But the Canadian choice didn’t last long because, although the country has made many valuable contributions to my life – hockey, bacon that is really ham and the vowel sound “eh” – I haven’t forgiven it for Celine Dion.

Without Canada, Liechtenstein and the Vatican City were left.

But, I won’t fight for Liechtenstein (Unofficial Motto: Got Vowels?). It has the political clout of Rhode Island and no army of its own, and that’s peachy. I just can’t put my life on the line for a country I can’t even spell without aid from a really sharp spell-checker.

The Vatican City (Unofficial Motto: Got Pope?) has the makings of a great hide-out. With no current international disputes, this country with an area under one-half square miles is perfect for me. As a member of its Swiss Guard security, I’d probably never have to run more than a quarter mile in any direction. I could whip some of its Catholic tourists in a fight, or at least their children.

Picks O’ the Week

•If you’re in a frat and you know it, go to Baker Boys. If you’re in a frat and you know it and you really wanna show it, go to Baker Boys tomorrow night for Greek Night. The fraternity with the most members in the bar by midnight gets $2 pitchers ’til 2 a.m.

•DJs C-Wiz and Darell-J from 101.1 The Beat will be kicking out the jams at Club 302’s Hip-Hop Explosion Saturday. Bring $5 for the cover. And having a one-letter hyphenated name wouldn’t hurt either.

Hollan Holm knows what you’re thinking. Did he write 599 words or 600? Seeing as his e-mail is [email protected], the most powerful account in the world, and can blow your monitor clean off, he asks you: do you feel lucky? Do ya . punk?