Michael J. Collins
It’s college, if you don’t have a laptop or tablet, I’m honestly impressed. And if you don’t have stickers on your device, I don’t know whether to feel sorry for you or be scared of you.
It’s the psychoanalysis, borderline roast session, you have been waiting for – what your laptop stickers say about who you are.
If all of your stickers are coordinated, you’re basic and lame. But, if the stickers are cool, you’re probably neurodivergent and maybe genderfluid.
I too love a good sticker that screams what major I’m in, but there’s a difference between ugly unoriginal “what I’m studying” stickers and cool, might I say indie, out of the box stickers.
The more chaotic the sticker assortment, the more mentally ill I know you are. Now, if you have good taste you probably have a great personality and we would get along very well.
If all of your stickers, or at least most of them, are inspirational you need to go to therapy. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a psychology major who made themselves believe that therapy wasn’t for them and decided to run rampid with crippling undiagnosed mental illness.
But it makes you special, why would you lose that sparkle? I don’t know, maybe so you can actually function in social settings.
Retro political endorsement
If you have a Regan Bush ‘84 endorsement sticker I think you’re pretty funny, but not enough to consider you a close friend.
Now stickers that have so-called witty puns are either hilarious or revolting. There is a very fine line between the two and either you’re a raging socialist or a disney adult, respectively.
Don’t get me started on the “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” stickers. We get it, you’re addicted to caffeine, you’re almost worse than vegans in letting everyone know that you love coffee. Mind you, that coffee you rave about is actually just a cup of caramel drizzle, three sugar packets, an assortment of random pumps of flavors and only four ounces of coffee.
Obscure “indie” references
If you think you’ve left unscathed, we haven’t gotten to male manipulators.
You honestly think you’re smooth with how you choose and place your stickers on your computer. Let’s see, it’s covered with random references only you and liked minded men would get. When someone asks you to explain the meaning, you act as if they are complete idiots for not getting the reference. In reality, it’s a quote or picture of a subpar stand-up that you only enjoy because you think it makes you an intellectual.
You’re very insecure and take it out on the women in your life. Go get some therapy, then we can talk.
Let’s not get confused, movie references are perfectly fine and honestly I enjoy seeing what movies other people like. The issue here is how you explain why you have that sticker or enjoy the film. I don’t need another white cis-male explaining why Pulp Fiction is the greatest movie of all time and if you don’t think so you don’t have taste. Just explain why you love the movie, what it means to you and move on.
If you have stickers from local businesses, you are a gentle and kind soul. You are what we call in the industry “crunchy.” You buy organic, tip extra and love a good chai tea. Please keep being yourself and write some poetry while you’re at it.
Where are my Steven Rhodes fans? You, my friend, have taste. I live for a good cynical sticker showing kids finding a cure for dumb people. He’s funny, but not in an oppressive way. More in using kids and juxtaposing them with funny situations.
Last but certainly not least, if you have WKU stickers on your keyboard, there is a special place in hell for you.
Commentary Editor Rose Donnelly can be reached at [email protected]. Follow her on Twitter @RoseDonnelly_