As is tradition, the College Heights Herald editorial board gives out Christmas gifts to those most important in our lives, regardless of whether they’ve been naughty or nice. Enjoy your gifts, and the last issue of the semester. Thanks for all the great content — we mean it.
Disclaimer: These gifts are given in jest, but all good jokes contain true things.
To Alpha Xi Delta, Chi Omega and Alpha Tau Omega, we give you a joint Netflix subscription so all of your members can watch “Dear White People.” Some of the lessons in the show may come in handy later on, whether you’re being recorded or not.
To President Timothy Caboni, we give you a Chinese finger trap. It can serve as a not-so-subtle reminder of the situation WKU has gotten itself in with China, and in both this case and your gift, we all know you could get out of it if you really wanted to.
To the members of the College Heights Herald, we give ourselves a breathalyzer. Next time you decide to walk home after a night out, use it and see if you’d rather call an Uber instead. It’s best for all of us if we stop showing up in our own crime reports.
To Deb Wilkins, we give you please stop suing the College Heights Herald.
To Officer Tim Gray, we give you a cheat day for your diet. Everyone knows how hard you work both in the gym and on the job, so take a day off and help us feel better about ourselves, too.
To our former editor-in-chief, Andrew Henderson, we give you a muzzle. You haven’t quit talking since any of us have met you, whether with President Timothy Caboni about campus issues during semi-formal events or on Twitter about your cat. Everyone else would like their turn to speak.
To the College Heights Herald Facebook commenters, we give you a hobby — any hobby. Surely some of you can find something better to do than writing harsh comments with a higher word count than the article you hate — which you also didn’t read.
To the WKU football team, we give you an apology for our columns written about you earlier this year. While losing to an FCS school is egregious, you have proved it is at least redeemable.
To WKU quarterback Ty Storey, we give you a homecoming king crown for your performance in your home state during WKU’s win against Arkansas. Leading your school to a 45-19 blowout win and having nearly double the passing yards as Arkansas did total yards after the first half is a performance worthy of a throne.
To WKU point guard Kenny Cooper, we give you an eligibility waiver. We’re all anxiously waiting for you to suit up as a Hilltopper after these long seven months since you transferred, so we decided to take matters into our own hands.
To Gov. Matt Bevin, we give you a U-Haul truck and a real estate agent. With these gifts you can pack your belongings, sell your house and leave Kentucky.
To anyone who wants it, we give you the building formerly housing the Confucius Institute. Somebody on this campus can find a way for it to actually benefit WKU this time, right?
To Bob Skipper, WKU’s director of media relations, we give you some peace and quiet. Take it easy, and rest assured you won’t be hearing from us as much for the next month and a half. We imagine you’ve been wanting this all semester.
Happy holidays, everyone.