The Marsupial Awards: recognizing the best and brightest in Bowling Green

Quite a lot has happened across this great Commonwealth we call home, too much for any sane person to handle, honestly. That’s why at the end of every spring semester, we here at the College Heights Herald have a tradition to give out awards recognizing some of the best and brightest this state, but more importantly this campus, has to offer:

To the live bat that made its home here in the Student Publications Center for a couple of weeks, we give the Housing and Residence Life Cohabitation award. Bat, if you’re reading this, you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.

We give the Workplace Sensitivity award to our football field’s brand new scoreboard. Now everyone can see all 120 of the positions that were just eliminated in brilliant HD! 

To our outgoing editor-in-chief Andrew Henderson, we present the Ongoing Ridicule award, because ridicule every now and then just doesn’t get the job done anymore. Like every editor-in-chief who has graduated in the past, we will lay him to rest in the Herald basement following the publication of this issue. May his soul R.I.P. (Rest In Papercuts).

Our not-so-family-friendly Gov. Matt Bevin is the proud recipient of the School’s Out award. While Kentucky’s teachers may hate him, he can rest easy knowing the rest of the state does too.

To our friends at the Talisman, we present the Calves of Steel award. Though you may have bested us in the first Student Pubs kickball game, we take pride in the fact that everyone’s forgotten about it by now. Also, we know you all let the bat in the office.

To lifelong WKU fan Roger Osborne and his family, we give the WKU Basketball Most Valuable Fan award. Thank you for allowing us to share Roger’s story.

We give The Greatest Showman award to the Student Government Association for acting like a circus all semester. We haven’t seen this many people talking about an old toad since President Donald Trump got elected.

To U.S. Senator Rand Paul we award the WWE Smackdown award. If you ever get tired of running for President of the United States, feel free to give your neighbor a call so we can watch you two fight it out in Diddle Arena. We’ll look into making it a swipeable event.

We give RAW, the latest local business to make its way to the Bowling Green community, the Free Publicity award. After a news story, a feature and a positive restaurant review, we’re running out of ways to cover you all that aren’t stale.

To Deborah Wilkins, we award $125 for every single records request we’ve made this semester that you’re now charging us to print. Deborah, it seems we may have gotten off on the wrong foot and for that we’d like to offer our sincerest apology. 

Here it is: This is a fake apology. Please stop charging us to do our jobs.     

We give the coveted S.S. Bankruptcy award to none other than former university President Gary Ransdell. We hope you’ll remember us fondly as you explore the seven seas while the university budget struggles to remain afloat. 

To current university President Timothy Caboni, we give the Law and Disorder award for continuing the lawsuit against the Herald. We know it’s been a tough first year, but our lawyers would like to see their families again.    

To Sherry and Tracy, we give the Guardians of the Herald Galaxy award. You two are the only people stopping an entire army of bats from gaining control of the media and for that we thank you.

To our loyal readers, thanks for following us on this journey filled with lawsuits, powerful stories and popcorn Mondays. We’ll see you next time.