Ho Ho Herald: The Herald’s 2017 Christmas Gifts

Herald 2017 Christmas Gifts

Herald Editorial Board

The holiday season is upon us here in Bowling Green, and with that comes our rarely sought after Ho Ho Herald Christmas gifts. Whether you’ve been naughty or nice, the College Heights Herald is here to call you out on it.

**DISCLAIMER** These gifts, much like over half of our reserve budget, are not real to us at the College Heights Herald. In fact, we thought about printing out certificates for the occasion, but I guess Coach Sanford needed that money to win all six of those games this season.

To Mitchell Robinson, we give a Magic 8 Ball to help the poor guy make a major life decision. We were prepared to offer him a participation trophy, but unfortunately even that would have required a certain level of commitment.

To the Talisman, we offer a new conference room which will be entirely funded by I.O.U. notes straight from the Central Bank of Gary Ransdell. I’d think twice before cashing those notes, Talisman.

To former faculty regent Barbara Burch, we offer a framed portrait of our editor-in-chief Andrew Henderson. We used photos of you so much this year, we thought it’s about time we returned the favor.

Matt Dettman, who was placed on unpaid leave pending an investigation into the “possible misuse of funds” can wake up and find a Debtman action figure under the tree. That’s not a real thing, but it’s a pun we’ve wanted to use for a while now.

To President Timothy Caboni, we offer a single lightbulb to be used in your office. We know how much you like to brag about paying for the lights for our Student Publications building, and we’d like to know how it feels. Also, can we have our money back?

To the WKU eclipse committee, we stole a bunch of eclipse viewers to give you so you wouldn’t have to spend $30,000 on customized lanyards to hold eclipse viewing cards. Come on guys, we’ve got a budget deficit and here you are shooting for the stars.

To our beloved Gov. Matt Bevin, we leave a cheap blonde wig and an oversized red tie. If you want to act like President Donald Trump with your policy decisions, you might as well dress like him too.

We gift the Bates Subway with a second, fully operational line. You may have won some award from corporate, but we’re wiser to how things really are in these parts.

To Sen. Rand Paul, we’d like to offer a State Farm Good Neighbor. If anyone in the world needs better neighbors it’s him. Also, if you’re reading this, State Farm, we’d love for you to take out an ad in our next issue.

Staff of Parking and Transportation can look under the tree this year and find some stylish camouflage vests to replace your orange ones. You’ll make even more money if you can ticket people and no one sees you coming.

To Rep. Jody Richards, we leave a fully automated air pump just in case your life-sized statue placed in the building named after you wasn’t enough to inflate your ego.

We give Alpha Xi Delta sorority a reinforced steel door. We’re thankful no one was injured, but you can never be too safe.

We gift an additional football game to the WKU student body so maybe, possibly, hopefully Cage the Elephant will put on that concert. Have your agent call our agent, guys.

To Sherry and Tracy, we give our love and appreciation. Popcorn Wednesdays wouldn’t be the same without you.

Thanks for sticking with the Herald this semester all you readers out there. It’s sure been a wild ride.