I can get you money. I have no scheme to get money from the government. I know nothing about get-rich-quick real estate deals. I don’t know how to win at cards, craps or slots. And if I knew how to win the lottery, I sure wouldn’t be at Western.

But there is free money on campus, and I can tell you how to get it. Not only is it free, it’s yours to begin with. All you have to do is go to the right place and ask for it back. The catch is that you have to do it this week.

Go to room 320 of the Academic Complex between 9 a.m. and 4 p.m. If you are a freshman you might still have a map handy to find the building. Otherwise, you probably know where it is. Ask someone where it is if you don’t. Missing out on free money because you couldn’t find where it is would be a cryin’ shame.

Go through the front doors and take the stairwell to the right. Go down the hall to your right. If you see old dentistry students hanging on the wall then you are hot on the trail. You will run into a stairwell. Go up one flight. Enter the hall and room 320 will be on your left and just a few doors down. Tell them you want your three dollars. They’ll ask to see your Big Red Card. Make sure you have it. You’ll then print and sign your name, along with writing your Social Security number.

Bingo! Free Money! The check is in the mail.

Now, I know what you are thinking.

“Adam, how much money will they give us?”

Well, my friend, I’ll tell you.

Three dollars.

Three dollars and zero cents. Three bucks. American money. Straight up. No questions asked. Free.

Pretty sweet, huh?

I think so. Three dollars can buy a lot.

You can buy four canned sodas on campus. It should be six cans, but for whatever reason Western decided two years ago to be abnormal and not charge the standard 50 cents for a can of pop.

You could make three separate long distance phone calls of up to twenty minutes.

You could get three items from any and every fast food eatery with either a 99 cent or dollar menu.

You could buy twelve bouncy balls from the machines at Steak-N-Shake.

You could buy some tunes from CD Warehouse.

You could wash and dry two loads of laundry.

You could buy three of anything at the Dollar Tree. Seriously. Everything there is a freakin’ dollar. Everything.

If you like that sort of thing and are of age, you could purchase three hundred penny-beers at Tidball’s on Thursday nights. What am I going to do with my check for three dollars? I may take one from Sinbad’s book and hang out with my three dollars for a while. I may save it. I may splurge. Do what you want with yours. But make sure you ask for your refundable radio station fee.

Tell them Adam sent you.

Adam Eadens is a senior print journalism major from Bowling Green.

The opinions expressed in this commentary do not represent the opinions of the Herald or the university.