Please rescue me!

I’ve spent 14 hours chained to my desk. My editor is forcing me to write this column.

There isn’t a single bone in my body that has any desire to sit here and hammer out words to make an entertaining column.

But that’s beside the point because three years ago, as a first semester freshman, I made a promise to myself and all who would listen that I would never again write a column. And here I am – doing so against my will.

You see, as a naive, sweet, dewy-faced freshman, I wrote a column about my newfound love of meat – hamburgers in general. My long-time hopes of becoming a world-renowned columnist were shattered after I got a scathing piece of hate mail that ran in the Herald’s “Letters to the

Editor” section.

For the 99.9 percent of you who didn’t read that column, I will explain myself. I had never eaten meat before I came to college. Since this idea was foreign to most of my friends, I was soon inundated with a wide variety of flesh – hamburgers, pepperoni, steak, turkey, chicken, pork and they even tried to sneak some hot dogs by me.

I came to enjoy this new food group immensely. I felt compelled to

share my story with the campus body after a large group of Herald staffers found my tale so amusing.

I didn’t even really want to write the column back then.

But it wasn’t like I was bashing vegetarians. I, and my whole family, were vegetarians my whole life. The rest of the Brown clan still are. I embrace the philosophy of vegetarianism. Go veggies!

So the piece of hate mail I received was a huge blow to my psyche. The author, who will remain as an unnamed photojournalism graduate, told me I was stupid. She said I was polluting my body. Hey, it’s my body, and, trust me, the column was my opinion, not God’s new creed.

Now you understand why my editor has chained me to my desk and threatened to have my knee caps busted – all to get this column done.

This is where you come in. Yes, you, not the guy sitting behind you. My editor and I came to an agreement – she’ll release me from my oppressive chains after I find a suitable columnist. So, if you think you can do a better job than this and you would like to see your picture here, then contact me.

You don’t have to be a journalism major to apply, just a full-time student. E-mail two sample columns you’ve written to [email protected] or give me a ring at 745-6291.

Hurry, I’m getting hungry!

•Picks of the week

If you are in the mood to laugh and want to help a good cause stop by the Public Theater of Kentucky on Chestnut Street between 6 p.m. tomorrow and 10 p.m. Saturday. Sunshine Express, an improv comedy troupe of Western students and alums, is raising money for stroke victims and attempting to set the record for a comedy marathon.

•After donating some money you could drop by Baker Boys Friday after 9 p.m. for a chance to win some. With the $4 cover you not only get the privilege to hear Whirly Bird, but you could win $100. They’ll also be giving away a pitcher of beer each hour.

•If buying all those books dented into your food budget, stop by the Duncan Hines Festival which begins today at Fountain Square. They are giving away free food and building an edible Monopoly board out of 350 sheet cakes – yum!

Features editor Abbey Brown can be reached at her desk. Her release date is unknown. If you’d like to keep her company, drop by the Herald office at 122 Garrett Conference Center, e-mail her at [email protected] or call her at 745-6291. She requires all contact to be accompanied by either column entries or cheeseburgers.