Finals week is approaching, so buy that puppy

Andrew Henderson

Finals week is rapidly approaching. No, really — by the time you’re reading this in print, finals week will be seven school days away.

Which means it’s time to buckle yourself into the car that is reality because it’s about to take us on a wild ride down the streets of panic-induced academia. I also offer you, reader, an empathic pat on the back because I’m right there with you.

Yes, finals week is stressful, and you can look up a slew of articles from The Odyssey Online to prove it. Go ahead and look up “10 quirky ways to reduce stress for finals” or “35 pictures of you during finals week as told by fig trees who just want to see the downfall of capitalism.” If either of those turn out to be real, I would not be surprised.


I’m not here to give you words of encouragement about finals week or a provocative think piece about the arguable pitfalls of contemporary universities — globalization or systemic racism, for example — but I will offer you the sweet respite of distraction.

I’m here to give you exactly what you’ll be wanting in roughly 20 minutes anyway: other things to be doing.

Social media always lulls me to its sweet tempestuous bosom as a temporary escape from the harsh reality that is shaping up to be these next few weeks. If you’re going to be scrolling through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or some other destination, you may as well do something really bold to take your mind off it.

That political opinion you have that might be too controversial to post? Go ahead. Post it. Have your voice be heard. Maybe it’ll encourage thoughtful conversation or deteriorate into a shouting match — you know, like when the aunt you haven’t talked to since Christmas two years ago decides to caps-lock you into oblivion.

Remember the puppy you saw in the pet store last week? Go back there and buy that puppy. No, buy all the puppies. Life is too short for you not to be purchasing at least one metric ton of puppies. I’m unsure as to how many puppies that would actually be, but we can all agree it’d be a ludicrous amount of puppies.

Remember when you thought to yourself, ‘Hey, every statue on campus would look infinitely better with a top hat’? I’m here to tell you you were absolutely right; every statue on this campus needs — no, deserves — a top hat. Henry Hardin Cherry’s regal demeanor would be improved tenfold if you added a top hat on that beautiful bronze head.

Hopefully this has given you a respite from the hellfire that is the end of the semester. If it hasn’t, you can’t say I promised you much to begin with.

Additionally, Party City sells felt top hats for $9.99. Full disclosure: they seem a bit small, so keep your options open. Party City is located at 1865 Campbell Lane and is open Thursday from 9:30 a.m. to 9 p.m.