Just Us J’s

Jenni Osborne Joanie Baker


hh, summer vacation. The perfect time for lounging on P. Diddy’s yacht while sipping a glass of Cristal cooled by Gucci ice cubes.

At least that’s what VH-1’s “Fabulous Life of…” (insert name of grossly overpaid, spoiled celebrity) series would have us to believe. But why the constant montages of the “Ocean’s Twelve” cast romping about Italy, Paris Hilton showing her underwear to everyone in the Hamptons and Britney Spears canoodling with her fianc? on a Hawaiian getaway?

Come on, we get it already: if your party cost under 10 grand or your beach towel wasn’t by Louis Vuitton, it was a cruel, cruel summer.

But it’s our own fault that celebrities have this sense of entitlement and out-of-whack priorities. We’re the ones obsessed with them and their fabulous lives, fueled in part by those irresistibly trashy tabloids that provide helpful insight on their philandering ways and secret patches of cellulite. The average American probably knows more about how Jennifer Lopez spent her summer than how John Kerry feels about education.

It’s actually pretty depressing when you realize you spent all summer working your butt off to pay for school – and maybe a few splurges, like, say, food – while some people out there, the ones who barely had butts to work off in the first place, were turning summer into a “who has the best Bentley?” contest.

Hey, whatever happened to Country Time lemonade and a tire swing? Simple pleasures have apparently gone the way of steady tuition rates and pre-Kabbalah Madonna. Take, for instance, a rousing game of croquet. OK, so no one actually plays that anymore, but that’s why it’s the all the more ridiculous that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston paid $11,000 for a his-and-hers calfskin set. Like they have time to do anything but their hair anyway!

Speaking of personal grooming, to really shine this summer, you had to have some bling-bling, baby. And for celebrities, a great smile isn’t enough anymore. Obviously unimpressed with Crest Whitestrips’ ability, a member of G-Unit put his money where his mouth is and paid $100,000 for a diamond-encrusted grill – on his teeth, not his ride.

And guys, be glad you aren’t dating Cameron Diaz for once: to keep her satisfied, Justin Timberlake has to spend at least $91,000, which is what VH-1 claims he dropped in one recent night out in Australia. Hey, no one’s that hot.

We must stop the madness before anyone wastes more money on one of those croquet sets. After all, our friend P. Diddy doesn’t need 11 people waiting on him hand-and-Prada loafer when he goes out. If everyone refused to offer VIP treatment, sure, stars would throw a few hissy fits, but pretty soon, they’d learn to live like the rest of us.

And really, it wouldn’t be so bad if we stopped comparing ourselves to the Olsen twins, and picked up a piece of cheesecake now and again. And if that means canceling our subscription to Us Weekly, well… there’s got to be a 12-step program out there somewhere.

Reach Jenni and Joanie at [email protected]