This Easter, frozen Snickers, Cheerios and pretzels mean love

Lindsay Sainlar

In the very first article I wrote, I mentioned a very good friend of mine. A friend who has nibbled on my clothes and peed in the corner of my kitchen since he first started hopping around the house.

Since it’s the season of frozen Snickers and Easter baskets, I have this urge to share the story of my black and white pet rabbit, Rex, that my brother bought from the Kentucky State Fair.

He’s dying. I’m no longer in denial; I know it. He’s not eating anymore, my parents have to feed him with a dropper and the vet has informed us that he has arthritis. The poor thing has been through a lot. Two years ago he was diagnosed with testicular cancer and actually had his testicles removed. I remember getting the phone call and misunderstanding my mother – I thought she said my little brother had gotten the cancer, but instead it was my rabbit who got his manhood removed. I didn’t know they performed that kind of surgery on rabbits, and surprisingly enough the surgery didn’t slow his sex drive.

My rabbit was even kidnapped once. It was the scariest morning of my life. After a night of partying in my parent’s basement and watching many unfamiliar faces saunter through the complete annihilation of my house, I woke up to concerned friends panicking because Rex was gone. I wasn’t worried at the time because I remembered hiding his cage in a closet the night before, because the last time I had thrown a party at my parents house, somebody filled his water bottle with beer.

However, as I walked to that closet that morning, I found nothing but an empty cage with shredded Colby Jack cheese sprinkled throughout his bedding. My heart dropped. I started panicking and crying at the mere thoughts of what my parents would do if I lost the family pet.

I called around and got a hold of this city judge who had once arraigned me on speeding charges. I suspected her son was the culprit and I was right. She brought over the rabbit and told me the story of how she found my Rex.

She told me that the night before she had heard some strange noises coming from the bathroom and decided to investigate. She found her son in the bathtub with a rabbit. She asked him what he was doing, and she said he looked at her as if she was the dumbest woman on the planet and said, “Mom, I’m giving the rabbit a bath.”

She said the rabbit had been submerged in chocolate syrup.

And through it all, Rex has held no grudges. He loves me because I feed him Cheerios and pretzels. Maybe that’s what he taught me – fatten someone up and they’ll love you unconditionally. It’s all about the karma.

Lindsay Sainlar’s column runs on Thursdays. You can reach her at [email protected]

This column does not reflect the view of the Herald or its nine-member editorial board.