Ahhh. Love is in the air… and on TV too.

I was watching the Osbournes last week, and it’s obvious Sharon and Ozzy are truly in love, but I just can’t handle hearing them talk about having sex. It’s like listening to Bea Arthur talking about hooking up on the Golden Girls. Old folks don’t need to be talking about “Gettin’ it, Gettin’ it.”

I just needed to get that off my chest. Let’s move on to the real world for a second. No, I’m not talking about that overdone sleaze piece on MTV. I’m talking about reality. The “most romantic day of the year” is among us.

Do you remember the good ol’ days of decorated shoe box mailboxes in grade school where you just prayed to get that special Muppets valentine from Jimmy or Susie?

Next were the middle school dances where you could pay two bucks to dance standing three feet from your partner while Boyz II Men songs serenaded the cafeteria.

Then there was high school where everything got serious around Valentine’s Day because we were oh so mature. Almost adults.

This brings us to the present where you are either A.) sickeningly next to marriage or B.) like the rest of us, just waiting for that special someone to sit down next to you in anatomy class.

If you’re the latter, I can relate. Not the anatomy part. Do I look like the type that would enjoy sitting in hell? But it would be super swell to meet Mr. Right in one of my groovy classes, as Marcia Brady once put it.

I may be spending the next couple Feb. 14th’s solo, though. I’ve recently made this list of what I like to call the five prerequisites for my ideal guy. I’m only willing to compromise one of the factors, and I’m honestly not even picky. But I won’t be listing any of my prereq’s here because it’s bound to piss somebody off. I want little heart-shaped cards on Friday, not hate mail.

Honestly, I’m not sure why all the single people loitering around are so anxious and yearning to know Cupid. Call me dumb as Anna Nicole Smith, but an arrow in my tush doesn’t sound that enjoyable, and isn’t that what love really amounts to? A pain?

If you don’t have a sweetie to buy stuff for this Valentine’s Day, you can still spread a little love to the others around you. Go buy your friends those conversation hearts that taste of Tums and chalk dust.

Send your parents a sappy card. They may realize how much they miss you and put a check in the mail.

If you have a Valentine this year, that’s great. Tell them how you really feel about them — unless you feel the approach of a break up coming on. Nobody wants to get the boot on the “most romantic day of the year.”

Lastly, if you are solo, treat yourself to the good life tomorrow. Take advantage of the cheap heart-shaped cake and pink-frosted cupcakes in Topper Caf?. Go out tomorrow night and announce you’re single to the world, ’cause there are a lot more where you came from.

If none of this appeals to you, sit back and enjoy the chocolate your parents sent you and those chalky candy hearts. The 15th is right around the corner and you never know when next year’s potential Valentine is going to walk through your door.

Amy Roberts is a sophomore textiles and apparel merchandising major from Owensboro.