Job tip: Quitters always prosper

Hollan Holm

I have the greatest job in the world, or so I’m told.

Honestly, in what other career can a punk like me throw insults like temper tantrums at people who actually contribute to society?

None other than professional athletics.

But, I love this job just as much as I would a job that actually paid me. I get to arm wrestle presidents of the top schools in the country. Well, actually just 3hill-top2 schools in the nation.

Since there are nonsensical laws against crimes like assault and vandalism, I am able to use my column as a healthy outlet for my feelings.

So I highly suggest each and everyone of you get a column of your own.

But how do each and everyone of you get a column of your own?

For me, I began this semester as a serious journalist. Things were swell for my position at the start of the year. I wrote a story or two for each issue of the paper. Studies weren1t a problem for me either; I had no homework at night. Everything was going smoothly.

And then came the first day of classes.

And then my “Priorities Hatchet” chopped away at my news writing position at the Herald.

Technically, it was a transfer, not a resignation. I moved over to the fertile pastures in the features department of the Herald and left news writing in the past.

Along with my “transfer,” I put in an application for SuperPicks columnist. My application consisted of two samples of column writing and a list of story ideas. They were gems: Hollan vs. Iraq, Hollan vs. President Ransdell, Hollan vs. President George W. Bush, Hollan vs., you get the idea.

For some strange reason I got the column, and the rest is an unfortunate, dismal history.

This experience was an epiphany for me. The secret to life was revealed to me.

It read the key to getting anything in life is quitting.

Its alternate version read quitters always prosper.

It was that simple kind of like the message on arcade machines, “Winners Don’t Use Drugs.” Except, I was clean when I played in the arcade, and I could never beat that big rhinoceros Rock Steady on the first level of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game, even with the smart turtle, Donatello. Then all the stoners and junkies would play after me beating the whole game on just one quarter.

Okay, the “Winners Don’t Use Drugs” slogan is nothing like my “Quitters Always Prosper” slogan, sorry.

If you want success and fulfillment, I suggest you adhere to my slogan. Quit your classes, quit your job, quit your significant other and quit reading this column. I’m tired of writing.

A Second Helping of Picks O’ the Week

I lied. There are none, suckers.

Let Hollan Holm ask you something, when you come into work on Monday and you’re not feeling so good, does anyone ever say, “Sounds like a case of the Mondays” No. (Blank) no, man. I believe [email protected] would get his (blank) kicked for saying something like that.