HOROSCOPES: The stars are coming home

Taylor Huff

Your parents aren’t the only ones who decided to surprise you and show up for homecoming week. So pull yourself out of whatever dumpster you found yourself in and sober up because it’s time for Homecoming horoscopes.

**DISCLAIMER: These are not scientifically accurate predictions. That is because they are so accurate they can’t be classified as predictions. These events will happen. You can bet all 17 Big Red dollars you have to last you the rest of the semester on that promise.**

Aries — Your man crush thinks NFL players are kneeling out of disrespect for our country rather than in protest of our country’s history of racial injustice and police brutality. Read a book, Aries.

Cancer — The stars predict that you will be haunted by the ghost of Clarence Van Hoose, former chairman of Parking and Transportation Services. Make sure to put an extra quarter in the meter.

Libra — You’re going to get blackout drunk, Libra. Pull yourself together. There are children here.

Capricorn — At approximately 3:58 a.m. on Homecoming eve, you will witness two shadowy figures rip the arm off of a paper mache depiction of Big Red attached to a homecoming float. You must stop them. The fate of this university rests in your hands.

Taurus — “I don’t think quantity time is as special as quality time with your family,” Reba McEntire said. Learn to live by these words this week, Taurus. When has this flaming-haired goddess ever steered you wrong?

Leo — After seeing “IT” you note how the scariest part of the movie was the lack of general health education for adolescents in the 80’s. You’re wrong. It’s the clown.

Scorpio — We get it, Hillary, you won the popular vote. It’s time to move on.

Aquarius — According to the stars, you will not see much luck with your relationships this week. Let’s be honest, if your turtle ran away from you as a kid I don’t think Chad from SAE will be that much better at companionship.

Gemini — You think just because Twitter gave you 280 characters you’re entitled to act like a crazy person this Homecoming week. You’re right. Eat dessert for breakfast. Skip all of your classes. Drive on the wrong side of the road. There are no rules!

Virgo — You’re still wondering how “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” got away with casting two different women to play Aunt Vivian. We’re right there with you, Virgo.

Sagittarius — You thought Homecoming week was the time everyone left school to go home. This is just like the time you tried to find the J.C. Penney in Centennial Mall.

Pisces — Congratulations Pisces, you have just won Homecoming Queen! Now make sure to get plenty of rest as tonight you will begin to morph into WKU’s newest mascot. Shoutout to last year’s winner Whitney “white squirrel” Johnson!