HOROSCOPES: Look above to the stars for finals week woes

Andrew Henderson

Sweet deity above, this semester is almost over and it has been a wild ride.

If you’re out there freaking the heck out and currently in a mental state of defcon five, don’t spend your time worrying. Dedicate the rest of your being to worrying. If you slip for even a second, that’s how they get you.

“They” being everything you have to get done, learn or cram for over the course of the next week. The minute you slip into a comfortable pace is the minute it’s all over.

You’re worried, stressed, tired, hungry and everything else in between. Oh, we’re all in the same boat, fellow reader, we’re all in the same slowly sinking boat.

But I come bearing good news, I’ve consulted the stars one last time this semester to help guide us through finals week.

Aries –– You probably think it’s a good idea to cram the night before your big biology final. Well, I’m here to tell you that not only is it a good idea, but it’s likely the best idea you’ve ever had. Imagine all the fun you’ll have reading over that material with your bloodshot eyes.

Cancer –– Flashcards are so 2003, so don’t even bother using them to help you memorize those English terms. A better way to study is to tattoo the terms on the inside of your eyelids so everytime you blink you learn something new. Make sure to remove them for the exam; can’t have any cheaters.

Libra –– Libra, the stars are worried about your recent dietary choices. The stars are empathetic about how stressful of a time this is for you, but there are only so many days in a row you can eat Taco Bell and it not have some adverse effect. Buy some celery.

Capricorn –– Cut out the middleman, Capricorn. Instead of drinking your favorite Starbucks drink, just pour that sweet, black tar of caffeine directly into an IV and hook yourself up. That’ll get the coffee into your system instantly.

Taurus –– Don’t let the temptation of dropping out of college get to you, Taurus. Minimize that Domino’s Pizza application tab right this minute and get back to studying. There’s plenty of time to work at Domino’s once you finish undergrad.

Leo –– The library is a quiet and revered place, Leo. Sure, it’s one you just now discovered, but don’t be rude and loud as people are trying to study. Librarians will be swift in their punishments against those who break the sacred law of silence.

Scorpio –– Double check what time your finals are, Scorpio. The stars can’t stress enough how unfortunate it would be in you sat if the middle of Fresh Foods eating chicken, unaware your final was happening. It has happened to people before, Scorpio.

Aquarius –– No one has time for your cheery disposition, Aquarius. We get it, you’re excited the holidays are coming around the corner, but you save that stuff for later Aquarius. You pack those carols away until we’ve all made it out on the other end.

Gemini –– Gemini, you know the popular online phrase “Pain is temporary GPA is forever”? Well that’s a lie, Gemini. Both are forever. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can escape the pain of this world.

Virgo –– Just because future First Lady Melania Trump can plagiarize a speech doesn’t mean you can get away with it, Virgo. Properly cite your sources.

Sagittarius –– Don’t transform into a horse in an attempt to get out of your finals. The stars are very specific on how you should not, repeat, should not transform in a horse.

Pisces –– The stars have their own finals to study for, Pisces. So just make sure to drink plenty of water or something like that.