Editor’s Note: This review was co-written by Commentary Writer Malone Farmer and Assistant Sports Editor Michael Givner Jr. Their respective segments are marked with the writer’s name.
Malone: Taylor Swift’s long career has been filled with ups and downs.
She’s transitioned from country to pop, had to buy back her own music, released musical triumphs and completely subverted the film industry’s distribution process.
Givner: After the success of “The Tortured Poets Department,” which was released on April 19, 2024, singer-songwriter Taylor Swift released “The Life of a Showgirl.”
Swift is engaged to NFL star Travis Kelce, and is mentioned numerous times in the album either subtly or explicitly.
Swift, who is a 10-time GRAMMY winner, with her albums “Fearless,” “1989,” “Folklore,” and “Midnights” all winning Album of the Year. She is the only artist to win that award four times. Swift also holds the record for the most American Music Awards with 29.
This is all to say that Swift is popular, and she has a huge fanbase of over 86 million monthly Spotify listeners.
“The Fate of Ophelia”
Givner – 10/10 Giv Certified
Swift continues her dynamic pop star run with this song that sounds like a bonus track from her “Lover.”
“You dug me out of my grave and saved my heart from the fate of Ophelia” indicates that this song is meant for Kelce.
Another line, “I swore my loyalty to me, myself and I, right before you lit my sky up,” alludes to her mentality on focusing on herself before Kelce came in and swooped her off her feet.
The opening song stands out to me because of its fast pacing, and shines as a gleeful opening to the album. This song also gets bonus points due to its Shakespeare influence, with Ophelia being from “Hamlet.”
Malone – 4.5/10
As the album’s first track, “The Fate of Ophelia,” is demonstrative of the album’s larger problems.
It’s lyrically dull with instrumentals that do little to elevate the song. The song is simply just boring radio pop.
Givner gave this song a ten, which I think is truly ludicrous. I’m glad that he enjoyed it, but I thoroughly disagree.
This is just a song that fails to stand out against the rest of the album’s lackluster songs.
“Elizabeth Taylor”
Givner – 6/10
Beneath the obvious mention of British Hollywood star Elizabeth Taylor, this song also describes Taylor’s exes, and how, when the lights got too bright, they bailed on her, leaving when she needed them most. The message this album seems to be conveying is that her exes were useless and Kelce is the one she wants.
“Elizabeth Taylor” serves as a great break after the peppy opener. It has a steady beat and doesn’t overcomplicate itself with too many instrumentals. Taylor’s song “Ready for It?” is also about Elizabeth Taylor.
Malone – 4/10
“Elizabeth Taylor” is sonically similar to my favorite of Swift’s albums, “Reputation.” The biggest difference between them is that “Elizabeth Taylor” is bad.
It, much like the album’s first song, is boring and dull. It would be on par with the album’s first track if Swift didn’t force the words “Elizabeth Taylor” into the chorus very clunkily.
I understand writing a song about the actress Elizabeth Taylor, but forcing her name into the song’s lyrics doesn’t work at all. It breaks up the flow of the chorus and weighs the song down.
The song is well-worn territory, seriously lacking in anything to make it worth listening to.
“Opalite”
Givner – 11/10 Double Giv Certified
Another song that I feel alludes to Kelce, it’s another fast-paced song that’s very catchy. The chorus is one of my all-time favorites from Swift. Unlike “The Fate of Ophelia,” this one feels like a track from “1989.”
“Opalite” dazzles, with excellent lyrics and a danceable mood. It rates as high as it did because of the amazing chorus, with 2:42 to the end being the song’s highlight. A bright ending to the album’s third song.
Malone continues their hateful agenda of this album below, rating arguably the best song in the album a five.
Malone – 5/10
This is the album’s strongest song. The melody is catchy and the instrumentals suit it well enough to keep it from being bad.
It’s not a song I’d call “good” by any means, but it’s not bad. Though the verses are pretty boring, the chorus is fun enough to salvage the song as a whole.
“Opalite” is a song with some potential that it fails to live up to. Givner gave this song an eleven, and I respect that. But, the song is still pretty middling.
“Father Figure”
Givner – 6/10
“Father Figure,” which is an interpolation, or reperformance, of singer George Michael’s song of the same name, has a more monotone opening, best described as wannabe, sexy elevator music. It’s not dull, but it definitely feels far too slow for the mood it’s trying to accomplish.
Michael’s version was intimate and safe, meant to bring a sense of comfort and protection. Taylor’s, meanwhile, speaks more on broken trust. A song about betrayal and power imbalances, Taylor captures that using instrumentals and lyrics.
Malone – 3/10
Track four is such an uninventive song. It means nothing and contains nothing.
Much like the larger album, “Father Figure” is completely hollow. There’s nothing substantive in the song that makes it worth listening to.
And I don’t just mean lyrically, musically the song is just dull. Swift’s vocals are monotonous, much like the whole album.
“Eldest Daughter”
Givner – 6/10
This song runs parallel with “Father Figure,” a gentle, open-hearted ballad about the mental struggles of being an oldest child. Despite being connected, the two songs contrast lyrically, with the powerful, say it with your chest of “Father Figure” being compared to the defenseless, weak nature of “Eldest Daughter.”
I feel this song does the ballad part very well, with the opening piano really sucking me into the song. From there, Swift goes through the highs and lows of this song. It’s a fascinating listen musically that makes me wish Swift did more ballads like this.
This song has some really cringe lyrics. She only says “Eldest Daughter” once in the song, and follows it up with “So we all dressed up as wolves and we looked fire.”
I have to agree with Malone on this one, the lyrics do not enhance this song at all.
Malone – 3.5/10
I hated this as soon as I was forced to hear the word “meme” in a song that is seemingly meant to be serious.
There was potential nestled within the core of “Eldest Daughter,” but the song fails miserably to reach it.
With lyrics like “I have been afflicted by a terminal uniqueness” and “I’m not a bad b***h, this isn’t savage,” the song kills its own curated mood. The overly dramatized self-pity holds the song back from being relatable or enjoyable.
“Eldest Daughter” sounds like a middling imitation of Swift’s work on “folklore” and “evermore,” and I’d be hard pressed to find a reason to choose this song over anything from those albums.
“Ruin the Friendship”
Givner – 7/10
For being an upbeat song, this one sure has a dark meaning. The line “should have kissed you anyway” repeats throughout this song, and it’s Taylor singing about how she regrets not kissing a high school friend before they passed away. This one is soft, slow, but it’s pretty in a way that could make you sob.
Malone – 3.5/10
Track six isn’t especially bad, but that’s nothing new for this album.
It’s listenable, but that’s by no means a compliment. There’s nothing that makes the song worth listening to.
This song, more than anything else, sounds like someone typed “make a Taylor Swift song” into a generative AI model.
Boring and dull describe this song well.
“Actually Romantic”
Givner – 5/10
Charli XCX had a falling out with Taylor, and after she released the song on her “Brat” album, “Sympathy is a Knife” went after Taylor, she responded with “Actually Romantic.”
Lines like “I feel bad for you,” and “I don’t think about you at all” indicate that Taylor has bad blood with someone.
The two singers were dating boys from the same band at the same time, sparking discourse between the two. Charli XCX told New York magazine that her song was about her insecurities and anxieties and not a jab at Swift.
I love a good diss track, but this song strays away from the others in the sense that it leans more into the musicality over the lyrics, focusing more on the bad blood then it does sounding appealing to the ears. It doesn’t really have any replay value, but this power pop song is far from horrible.
Malone – 3/10
In “Actually Romantic,” Swift is trying to diss fellow pop-star Charli XCX. The problem, she doesn’t really have a reason to be doing that.
Listening to this song, I had to wonder: “What did Charli XCX do wrong? Did Taylor Swift have a bad brat summer, and now she’s seeking revenge on its creator?”
According to Daily Dot, “Actually Romantic” is a response to XCX’s song “Sympathy is a Knife.”
The song is very clearly about XCX’s personal insecurities. She has made it clear that the song is not an attack on Swift, but a reflection of her own self-worth issues.
For Swift to hear a song that contains the lyrics: “Why I wanna shoot myself? Volatile, at war with my dialogue. I’d say that there was a God if they could stop this,” and make it about herself is a herculean feat.
The title of “Actually Romantic” comes from Swift trying to paint the picture that XCX’s supposed insults mean nothing to her. They’re actually romantic because of how much she cares about Swift.
The biggest issue with this track is that it lacks anything to actually attack about XCX. Instead of actual issues with her character, Swift is content to callously poke fun at her coke addiction and liken her to a purse chihuahua.
It’s all petty grievances and middle school level insults directed at someone who hasn’t done anything to deserve it. The song makes Swift sound like a high school bully with a victim complex.
The architect of man’s greatest era—brat summer—didn’t deserve that treatment.
“Wi$h Li$t”
Givner – 6/10
Love them or hate them, Swift and Kelce are both extremely successful. One is a multiple Grammy winner whose albums sell millions and millions of copies. The other is a three-time Super Bowl champion who will undoubtedly be a Hall of Fame inductee when it’s all said and done.
But this song reveals a thought from Swift that differs from this. She wants to have a normal life and to “be left the f–k alone” while doing so.
Why is it rated a six? Like Malone says, the instrumentals don’t elevate the song at all. I enjoy a trap feel, but the rap vocals get lost on me. It’s another song that’s above average, and doesn’t get elevated by the elements presented.
Malone – 3/10
“Wi$h Li$t” is a song where a billionaire talks about how she doesn’t have any significant material needs, and that about says it.
Over all this track leaves me wanting more once again.
The vocals, lyrics and instrumentals all fail to elevate this song above grocery store pop music that drives.
“Wood”
Givner – 4/10
I’m no Swiftie. I don’t keep up with Taylor’s past relationships, but one thing is certain in this song. She is confident in her relationship with Travis and the happiness he can bring her, both romantically and intimately.
Both the superstition and the innuendo are played well with the instrumentals. The disco-funk keeps the lyrics in the forefront. The song sounds like the opening theme for a beach episode of “Love It or List It,” and while I love the show, I don’t love this song. It lacks substance musically, which I feel doesn’t fit her message.
Malone – 1.5/10
In “Wood,” Swift is doing her best impression of Sabrina Carpenter. Though it’s her best impression, it’s still horrible.
The lyrics read like Dollar General erotica accompanied by instrumentals that sound like something that her producer made after being up for four days in a row.
In lieu of anything truly witty or clever, the lyrics are repetitive and miserably uninteresting. It’s a true atrocity that Swift made a song about Kelce’s love being “the key that opened (her) thighs.”
It’s a song that sounds like the dregs of Wattpad fan-fiction.
Listening to “Wood” made me want to stick a redwood tree into my eardrums, and I think that about sums it up.
“CANCELLED”
Givner – 9/10
When millions of people are against you, your real, true friends are the ones who stick by your side through it all. Taylor speaks on going through being “canceled” over past controversies. “Cloaked in Gucci and in scandal” refers to Taylor liking her friends to be like her, wealthy and cancelled.
The beat for this song really sets the song for me. With Taylor singing in her lower vocal range, it creates an excellent mood and perfectly complements her lyrical jabs, like “at least you know exactly who your friends are, they’re the ones with matching scars.”
I’m wondering if Malone even listened to this song? In an album full of songs that make me cringe at the lyrics, I genuinely enjoyed this one.
Malone – 1/10
She says “Did you girlboss too close to the sun.” Need I say more? Well, since Givner gave it a nine I feel I should explain why I rated this song so low.
It’s a shallow reflection of Swift’s work on “Reputation.” It weakly imitates songs like “Look What You Made Me Do” and “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things.”
But, this song lacks in the vocal and production value that made those songs listenable.
“CANCELLED” is the song that most clearly demonstrates that this album needed the touch of a producer with the skill of Jack Antonoff.
The lyrics are just a hollow attempt at being cool, but Swift is too out of touch to actually accomplish that. She lacks any real adversity.
The most she can complain about is some people being mean on the internet, but that’s nothing new or particularly difficult to endure.
Swift is a billionaire that owns eight houses, it’s hard to see her as being a cool or compelling person to root for.
“Honey”
Givner – 5/10
Nothing feels better than your significant other calling you baby or honey or sweetheart. I would know, and so does Taylor, who has had those pet names redefined thanks to her growing relationship with Kelce.
Swift uses this song to talk about the negative connotations she’s experienced behind those terms. Being treated right has been a central theme behind many of the songs in this album, and this one is no exception.
Musically, the song takes on a trap feel, with lively piano playing mixed in with some snappy drums. This one, like “Actually Romantic,” doesn’t have the replay value for me, but it isn’t a horrible song.
The closest ratings to each other on the album, Malone and I can agree that “Honey,” is not sweet at all, and definitely should be renamed to vinegar.
Malone – 4/10
Finally Givner and I agree on something. “Honey” is a middle of the road song with little replay value.
It’s very difficult to write about an album as repetitively uninteresting as this one. “Honey” as a song is whatever. It’s nothing horrible, but it’s certainly nothing good.
The song is very unlike its namesake. Honey is complex and sweet. Its flavor is one that people go back to over and over again. A classic taste like honey is hard to replicate successfully.
This song would be more comparable to something like stevia. It tastes simple, and its sweetness is deeply artificial. There’s nothing that makes the flavor unique or worth going back to.
“Honey” is simply musical white noise. Nothing offensively bad, but that’s only because there’s nothing of substance.
“The Life of a Showgirl (feat. Sabrina Carpenter)”
Givner – 6/10
The opening lyrics give off a poetry night feel. It’s a soft, warm conclusion to this album. The title track features Sabrina Carpenter, who I feel saves this song. Not that the song is good, but Taylor and Sabrina are a great duo, something I would have known before now if I had watched the Era’s Tour.
Their contrasting tones complement each other as the two sing about women in power, who are often undermined and illegitimized in their respective fields.
Malone – 4.5/10
Yet another song that tries to make Swift’s life seem so difficult, but it’s hard to feel that sympathy for someone so deeply out of touch.
The album’s title song is barely elevated out of the doldrums of the generic pop-song by the only feature of all twelve songs.
Carpenter is a small addition to this song, but she isn’t able to do anything to elevate it above middling quality.
Overall
Givner – 6/10
Swift can be argued as having one of the best pens of today’s music artists, writing masterful lyrics that truly open up people’s emotions, but some of her lyrics in this album just felt cringey.
There were a lot of good lines, but lines like “Keep it one hundred” in “The Fate of Ophelia” and “Boss up, settle down, got a wish list” in Wi$h Li$t made my face shrivel up and laugh more than anything.
They were funny, but not in a good way.
While this album isn’t as deep as her other albums, it does tell a great story, something Swift is known for. This album has a different vibe from “The Tortured Poets Department, with the sad and somber feel of that album turned into the pop love stories from before.
“The Fate of Ophelia” provides a strong opening, and “The Life of a Showgirl” provides a great ending. “Opalite,” my favorite in the album, has high replay value, and had me dancing in my room.
This album has people torn, with some criticizing it and calling it her worst work—Malone—while her diehard fans are taking to Instagram, X, and Reddit and defending her to the very end.
My opinion is simply that she’s done better. Walking around Target and seeing the album still well in stock even after their midnight sale for the album release. This album isn’t Taylor’s worst work, but it doesn’t stand up to my favorite albums like “Midnights,” “1989,” and “Lover.”
Malone – 3.5/10
“The Life of a Showgirl” is a disappointing addition to Swift’s catalogue.
It’s a dull, meaningless imitation of her better albums. It lacks the love and rage so imbued in the sound of “Reputation,” it lacks truly impressive storytelling that make “folklore” and “evermore” so great.
It’s so difficult to write a review of something that is so repetitive. There are few things that make the album interesting in any way. Most songs struggle to evoke any strong feelings out of the listeners.
As a listener, it’s hard enough for me to listen to a billionaire talk about how difficult her life is. That’s not to say that Swift hasn’t faced difficulties, but she doesn’t bring up the real hardships that she’s endured. Instead, she’s complaining about people being mean to her on the internet.
All of my problems with the album are compounded by it seemingly being marketed using AI videos that are completely devoid of any humanity.
All the money and influence has pushed Swift’s finger off society’s pulse. She’s no longer in touch with the culture or the creativity that made her a success.
This collection of songs is a failure because Swift and her producers tried to make an album with an amount of creativity that wouldn’t have been enough to make a good song.
